A support group for gay and lesbian adopters

In early 2007, my partner and I began our adoption journey with a tentative phone call to our local authority. At our very first meeting we were encouraged to seek advice and support from the Adoption UK online message boards. I soon became an active member on the boards, and organised a meet-up with other lesbian and gay adopters in London. This first meeting was the start of our group, New Family Social.

Since this first event in October 2007, New Family Social has become the main source of peer support for lesbian and gay adopters and their children, and the only such body covering the whole of the UK. So far, this year, over 1000 messages of advice, support and encouragement have been exchanged on our message board, with adoptive families and prospective adopters meeting up in Bath, Manchester, Leeds, Birmingham and London.

There is a real sense of community and positivity in the group. As well as our regular events, families get together for play dates, birthdays, adoption celebrations and holidays. For me, this is what the group is all about, giving our adopted children buckets of self-confidence through knowing other lesbian and gay adoptive families just like their own.

About half of the 200 couples and single adopters in the group are either being assessed or waiting for a match. Our meet-ups are often the first time new members meet lesbian and gay families with adopted children. Many say this inspiring experience gave them the confidence to embark on their adoption journey, and the clearest demonstration that their dreams were realistic and achievable.

When the law changed in 2005, allowing gay couples to jointly adopt, BAAF quickly produced guidance to help social workers with assessing, placing children with, and supporting, lesbian and gay carers. This very clearly dispelled the myths surrounding ‘gay lifestyles’. It also highlighted some of the positive aspects of lesbian and gay carers. One of the things I have noticed within our group is the sheer enthusiasm. For many of us, the chance to adopt is an unexpected joy, and we come to the process with a thirst for knowledge and ready acceptance of the special parenting that is required.

At the point that heterosexual men and women might first think of having children, many gay men and lesbians are turning to adoption as their first option. Indeed, some adopters are coming forward in their mid-twenties, widening the age range of prospective parents available to adoption agencies. Perhaps most importantly, lesbians and gay men know what it is like to grow up with a sense of difference, and we are able to draw on our own experiences in helping our adopted children with these issues.

Four years on from the change in law, most of our members say they have felt welcomed by local authorities and voluntary adoption agencies across the country. Most agencies now recognise that the gay community is a valuable, and largely untapped, resource of adopters. With so many children currently waiting for loving and secure permanent homes, all potential adopters should be given every encouragement to come forward.

Despite the increasing number of lesbians and gay men being approved for adoption, discrimination and prejudice still seem to persist when it comes to the matching process. Figures from the 2007 annual report of the Adoption Register for England and Wales show that proportionally only half as many children were placed with same-sex couples as heterosexual couples.

If more lesbian and gay adopters are to be encouraged to come forward, it is important that they are not seen as a second-best option. Matches must be based on the abilities of the prospective adopters to care for their children, not on their sexual orientation.

New Family Social is developing stronger relationships with adoption agencies and, in response to increasing requests, we are developing our own workshops and training, which we will be piloting in the near future. We are seeking to ensure that our experiences with the adoption system are held up to scrutiny so that discrimination does not go unnoticed, and also that lesbian and gay adoption is accurately portrayed in the media.

Our members are extremely proud of what New Family Social has become. Our membership continues to grow quickly, as more lesbians and gay men choose to form a family through adoption. With a national shortage of adopters, we need to be fully embraced.

Andrew Leary-May
www.newfamilysocial.co.uk

Where else can you get support?

In addition to the support which is available for adopters, foster carers and parents generally, there are a number of specific organisations which provide support for lesbian and gay families:

Lesbian and Gay Foster and Adoptive Parents Network. Contact them

Gay Dads Scotland: social and support group for gay fathers living in Scotland.

Proud 2B Parents: an LGBT parents group in Manchester, supported by Sure Start. Contact Matt

Northern Support Group: for lesbian and gay men interested in adoption or fostering.

Rainbow Families: support for LGBT families in Brighton and Hove.

Rainbow Parents: support group for gay families in Tower Hamlets (East London). Rainbow Parents

Out for Our Children: books and resources for LGB families.

PACE Family Support Service: offers support, advice and counselling to lesbian and gay parents.

The D'Arcy Lainey Foundation: provides support for LGBT families and manages Pink Parents.

Originally published in the Be My Parent newspaper in May 2009.

This article is published with the kind permission of the people involved. You may download it for your own reference but if you wish to use it for any other purpose, please contact Be My Parent for authorisation: Be My Parent, BAAF, Saffron House, 6-10 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS. Telephone: 020 7421 2666.

Last updated: 05 May 09

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