Direct contact: What seems to work
“One size does not fit all,” says Julia from After Adoption, “and what is comforting to one family may be stressful to another. Most important of all is for the adopters to be very clear on why the contact is happening and what it is seeking to achieve for the child.”
Have good support
Contact seems to work most effectively when there is good support for both the adoptive and the birth family. All parties will also need to ‘de-brief’ in a supportive environment.
Plan contact
Initially, contact seems to work best when it is highly structured and carefully planned. Only as the different parties develop confidence in each other can it become more relaxed.
In making arrangements for face-to-face meetings, boundaries and rules need to be set and agreed. Usually, an independent person acting as a facilitator or the adopters will have to be responsible for this, on behalf of the child.
Expect the unexpected
The child may need help in coping with their birth parent not turning up or behaving in an inappropriate way.
Know which relatives are coming
Birth parents may want to bring relatives for support, but it’s better to know in advance that Auntie Lily is coming on the day, rather than Auntie Lily, Uncle Harold and four cousins to turn up unannounced!
Agree on names
It’s also important to agree in advance matters such as what names the adults will use when referring to each other.
Avoid lavish gifts
They can stir up difficult emotions, and the children may put more value on receiving the present than on seeing the person.
Prepare for emotions
Keep the emotional level down. Have a proposed time limit and agreed ways in which people can signal they need time out during the contact.
Avoid food
If possible, contact should never involve food. “There are major emotional issues around food. Some refreshments can be provided but basing the whole thing around a trip to McDonald’s can be a big mistake,” warns Julia.
Such trips may conjure up strong memories from the past or leave the child always associating a certain restaurant or fast food chain with overwhelming feelings.
There can also be issues about people having food allergies, and about different attitudes to sugary foods or table manners. “And if this contact is about affirming who the child is, then food is a distraction. Are you there to eat Granny’s homemade scones or to see Granny herself?”
Arrange activities
Activities seem to make contact more successful. Julia explains: “Sessions such as making hand prints enable the birth parent and the child to do something together, which helps the birth parent to recognise the child is growing up. It can also become a good focus for exchanging information and having shared moments, with tangible memories for the child to take away.”
Develop a sustainable pattern
Good habits are easier to maintain, and contact will not then become something everyone comes to dread!
Prepare the children
Children will need preparing in different ways. Some like to anticipate contact but others are better told on the the day, or even not told at all, so they don’t become over-charged and ‘sabotage’ the event.
Be ready to rethink
Contact arrangements may need to be renegotiated or reset if things aren’t working out.
Originally published in the Be My Parent newspaper in March 2005.
This article is published with the kind permission of the people involved. You may download it for your own reference but if you wish to use it for any other purpose, please contact Be My Parent for authorisation: Be My Parent, BAAF, Saffron House, 6-10 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS. Telephone: 020 7421 2666/5/4.
Last updated: 10 September 07
