Do your homework

We worried that our daughters would struggle in mainstream school – not because of their abilities, but because being fostered or adopted does add an extra, invisible workload to a child. There’s this big issue in their lives that’s always there in some form or other, creating strange feelings.

As adults, we know that emotional preoccupations can impair our performance at work, and the same can be true of fostered and adopted children. They can also be affected by delayed or unusual cognitive development caused by early trauma. None of this may be obvious to those around them, who see remarkably resilient children making the best of their new lives. That’s why parents need to build relationships with their children’s teachers. The more a teacher understands about adoption and fostering and their possible effects, the more he or she can help your child become all they can be. I still start to vibrate with rage when I recall one teacher’s opinion that it was the school’s job to prepare children for “the tough world outside”. Didn’t she realise that my children had already survived a much tougher world than either of us would ever have to face? Well – no, she didn’t.

Teachers rarely know much about adoption or fostering before having a fostered or adopted child in their class. That’s true of the general population, and usually true of adoptive parents. In working with teachers, we quickly came to realise that they deal with a huge range of family issues that can impact children’s learning, including divorce, single parenthood, stepfamily formation and illness. In a way, adopters are advantaged in that the issues around adoption are better documented and perhaps easier to introduce than many other family issues. We have given our school copies of Adoption UK’s useful leaflet for teachers. Please Miss also has a handy briefing for teachers which complements Adoption UK’s leaflet.

Fostered and adopted children’s behaviour can mask their educational progress to a surprising degree. As a parent, you’ll be able to spot any mismatch between the school’s assessment of your child’s progress and your own. But you will still need to press for what you believe your child needs. Building and managing a good working relationship with the school takes effort, but it’s worth it.

In state schools, teachers are responsible for 30 children apiece and, however dedicated a teacher is, your child is never going to be at the top of his or her agenda for very long. Teachers see so many concerned parents that they can initially pigeonhole you as fussy and over-protective. They’re also used to reassuring parents that their children are ‘normal’ and it can be an effort to persuade them that a fostered or adopted child may have very real and challenging problems. If your child has behavioural or emotional issues, it helps to be as specific as possible, as quickly as possible. We asked our younger daughter’s first teacher to remind her to go to the toilet regularly, and got the response: “Oh, don’t worry – all children have accidents at that age”. We had to explain that she was about to meet a child who might accidentally be dry one day in twenty. It took a few demonstration floods to get the point across.

Teachers are wary of giving individual children special treatment, especially if they feel bullied by a parent. When we appealed for one teacher to go easy on our daughter’s low productivity and allow for the effects of her early experiences on her development, we were told that “she’s had the same start in this school as everyone else”. It’s this kind of remark that points up where teachers’ training can be a little behind the times. Primary school teachers are not taught about early child development and if they are not parents themselves then they may lack crucial insights into how early experiences can delay a child’s development. MRI scanning techniques now show that early abuse and neglect impede development in certain areas of the brain, leading to common problems with memory, self-control and emotions. You may need to provide some of the introductory information that’s widely available on the web so that teachers can be more sympathetic to your child’s needs.

Until you can educate your child’s teachers about the basics of adoption and fostering, it’s very hard to build the level of trust you need to discuss sensitive issues such as sexual abuse. You have to be persistent and assertive, because you are your child’s only advocate. One of our adopter friends who was hit by the perennial teacher defence that “I’ve got 30 children to deal with” simply replied: “Well, I’m not here to talk about the other 29 children. I want to talk about my son, because he’s my responsibility”. It’s only the truth, after all.

In general, teachers respond to assertive parents and appreciate genuine attempts at partnership. You can help further by learning to let the smaller things go, saving your energies for the issues that matter. Show that you have a sense of perspective and the school will be much more receptive to your interventions. Schools want to improve their understanding of all their children and your success at educating them about your child’s needs will benefit other children in placements.

However, getting the school in the loop isn’t a one-time-only deal. Circumstances change as children grow, creating new issues that demand new strategies. In particular, adopted children make sense of their situations in different ways at different stages in their development. When our elder daughter turned eight she suddenly began to see her life story in new terms, appreciating her loss in distinct, concrete terms for the first time. She’d previously seen being adopted as ‘special’, but was now beginning to realise that ‘special’ doesn’t always mean ‘best’. We told her teachers what was happening and they gave her opportunities to talk about her life to the class, if and when she wanted to. Playground conversations proved more difficult and she’d become upset at other children asking about her ‘real mum’. We talked about this with her and helped her to see that her friends were probably being curious rather than hurtful. She mentioned her French classmate and said she had the same kind of problems – “but that’s because she eats snails”.

Children who land in new schools and new families at the same time can face adjustment challenges. However, many children in placements see their new school as a welcome opportunity to make a fresh start, especially if they have moved to a new part of the country. While it may seem hard that a child should face a new school at the same time as adjusting to her placement, school can provide structure and social support that balance the home experience. I can’t prove it, but I’d guess that children moving schools during term time face more problems about their unusual accents than their fostered or adopted status.

Schools and teachers come in for an incredible amount of scrutiny these days, with government and media attention fixating on everything from reading systems to nutrition. Parents hover at the classroom door – and organise boot sales to raise funds for books and equipment. Education has become a partnership between schools and parents, with the child as the ‘customer’. Any child in a placement needs the best team of committed adults working together to understand and meet their changing educational needs. Be open and flexible, respond to your child’s interests as well as her challenges, and school can be a learning experience for everyone involved in the adoption and fostering journey.

Paul May

Enjoyed reading this article? Why not check out articles on similar issues in adoption and fostering, such as 'Strength, not weakness! ', 'Getting the most out of school' and 'The good news, the bad news...'

Originally published in the Be My Parent newspaper in September 2006.

This article is published with the kind permission of the people involved. You may download it for your own reference but if you wish to use it for any other purpose, please contact Be My Parent for authorisation: Be My Parent, BAAF, Saffron House, 6-10 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS. Telephone: 020 7421 2666/5/4.

Last updated: 27 April 10

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