"I’ve got hair like you, Mummy!"

It's nine months since eight-year-old Candice first went to live with Marcia. Now they are preparing for the adoption hearing. "It's been rather like an incubation period,"S Marcia says. "Nine months ago I found out I was having this child and the formal adoption process is a bit like the child being born!"

Marcia, who grew up in a large family, gave a lot of careful thought to adoption before making an application. She never particularly wanted her own children but felt it would be good to give the experience of being part of a family to a child who was missing out on this. "I grew up with a strong sense of who I am, and I’ve done quite a lot of thinking and reading about this," Marcia explains. "I used to say I'm Jamaican but I now say, I'm British – of Jamaican parentage. And although I’m Caribbean, I also identify myself as African. Having my parents rooted in their own culture gave me something to build on, so I feel comfortable about who I am and where I fit in the world."

The other thing Marcia wanted to share with a child was the sense of "solidity and security" she'd experienced in her own family. She felt that, unlike her parents – who came to this country in the 60s and weren't able to use their skills to the full in the jobs they took – she has had opportunities to fulfil her potential in her career, with the sense of a supportive family behind her. She wanted to help a child have that same chance to reach their full potential – whatever that might be.

Marcia first considered adoption at 25 but says she quickly realised she hadn’t reached emotional or financial maturity. Nonetheless the idea stayed with her for eleven years, and she developed a notion of a child about five years old. “Probably a boy because I could never see myself fussing around with a girl’s hair!” she says. But it was when looking through the pages of New Nation, a black newspaper, that Marcia spotted a feature on a seven-year-old girl who needed an adoptive family. And fell in love…

When Marcia called the agency, she was made to feel welcome, but it was explained that the little girl in question probably needed a placement with a two-parent family. Marcia tried to keep an open mind as she began the process of training and assessment. "I found the training really informative," she recalls. "I know some people thought there was too much focus on negative things, but I didn't want the agency painting a glossy picture and then a child going back into care because I couldn't cope."

Having a social worker she could 'click' with was an experience Marcia appreciated. "She was very understanding and compassionate," Marcia says. "The whole home study business is like opening a Pandora’s box and this person takes you on a journey through issues you've never analysed before. Unless you feel safe with the social worker it could be tempting to cover things up."

All the while, Marcia kept the picture of the seven-year-old girl, and continued to ask how she was doing. Marcia's social worker encouraged her to keep an open mind while they explored the type of child she would be best able to care for. "That was helpful but I did keep thinking about this child. I worried that I was maybe getting a bit obsessed," Marcia admits.

After a very positive experience of assessment, Marcia found going to panel a total contrast. She was one of the first prospective adopters to attend in her area and felt that the panel members had not really settled into their new role of meeting potential adopters face-to-face. "It was the worst experience of my life. I thought it was much too bureaucratic and intimidating. I felt I was on trial and having to justify myself. When the social workers write your report they have information no-one else knows, and now here you are with a bunch of strangers asking hypothetical questions about these very personal things, and you don't know what to answer."

To her amazement, Marcia was approved by the panel, and, to her delight, discovered that the agency was now ready to consider her for the little girl whose picture she had treasured. Marcia discovered that this child – whose name was Candice – had recently experienced a failed adoption placement with a relative. Marcia also saw a video of Candice and was surprised to discover she had problems with co-ordination. "It wasn't off-putting but I realised I needed to start asking questions," she says.

The agency also organised a Life Appreciation meeting to bring together all the key people involved in Candice's life. "They tried to piece her life together from birth. That was really positive. I got a sense of her history straight from the horse's mouth," Marcia says. However, she found the information from Candice's therapist very worrying. "They told me she was challenging and liked upsetting people. I started thinking 'can I really cope with this child? Just who am I trying to kid!'"

However, Marcia was still keen to persevere. Introductions began and, within a short time, Candice had moved into Marcia's home. Marcia found herself faced with the prospect of living with a small stranger, who seemed to turn to everyone but Marcia for affection. But, as time has passed, Marcia has experienced the pleasure of seeing Candice respond to her and start to call her "mummy".

Candice is a child of one black and one mixed heritage parent. In Marcia's mind she was a black child. However, Marcia discovered that this was not the way Candice saw herself. "Her foster carers – who were black – told me that when Candice first saw my photo she was surprised I was black. She saw herself as a white child. She was a child who loved fairy stories and, having no contact with her birth mother, I think she'd developed this idea of a white, Barbie-type princess. My deduction is that, if a black child has a negative experience of living with a black family, they may try to dissociate themselves by 'becoming white'."

When Candice first came to live with Marcia she hated her own hair, and Marcia (who had initially wanted a boy to avoid spending time plaiting hair), found herself spending many hours bonding with Candice over hair sessions. "I bought her a book called I love my hair and today she looked at it and said 'I've got hair like you, Mummy'. I said to her, 'I love my hair', and she said 'Yes, I love my hair too!'"

Interview by Henrietta Bond. All names have been changed.

Originally published in the Be My Parent newspaper in March 2006.

This article is published with the kind permission of the people involved. You may download it for your own reference but if you wish to use it for any other purpose, please contact Be My Parent for authorisation: Be My Parent, BAAF, Saffron House, 6-10 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS. Telephone: 020 7421 2666/5/4.

Last updated: 10 September 07

Back to previous