I’ve had to learn the hard and fast way
When Molly was placed in short-term foster care with Karen at the age of four, she was a very frightened and angry little girl who was still in nappies day and night, had very undeveloped speech, and couldn’t do basic, simple things...Molly had been described by previous foster carers as ‘very slow’, but what Karen saw was a little girl who needed someone who could spend time with her and give her encouragement, love and affection – and this is exactly what she did…
“Molly had been left out or pushed to the side in her birth family,” explains Karen. “She had never had love before. She never knew what it was.” Molly had not been taught to perform simple tasks like dressing herself and hadn’t been encouraged to learn to play. She couldn’t skip, ride a bike or even a child’s scooter, recalls Karen. “My husband and I had to show her how to get on and off a swing, or go up a slide.”
Molly had not been given any boundaries or rules, and her behaviour was extremely challenging. She would show her anger and frustration by lashing out or trashing her room and was testing Karen’s staying powers. “I stuck with it, fought it, helped her through it,” says Karen.
What comes across most strongly when speaking to Karen is how much of an advocate she has been for Molly. Because Molly had moved to a different area, Karen had to re-apply for her to have speech therapy. She was placed on a waiting list but Karen decided that Molly could not wait six months. “I pushed it and pushed it,” says Karen. “I wasn’t prepared to wait that long for something she needed. And now her speech is 100 times better!”
Karen also had to fight for Molly to get into reception class at her local school. “They were going to leave her in nursery,” she explains. “I knew that was no good to her and that she needed full-time attention.” That has been a positive move for Molly as her school is very pro-active. She has a statement of special educational needs and receives one-on-one support with a teacher, as she has difficulty concentrating.
Through a letter which came through from her local authority, Karen found out that she could get a grant to get private tutoring for Molly. “I organised this off my own back,” explains Karen.“ Molly has now caught up a hell of a lot. Her numeracy and reading skills have really come on.”
Karen has also organised for Molly to have extra tutoring when she starts junior school in September. Karen noticed that Molly was clumsy and kept falling over in the street, and suspected she may also have flat feet. She took Molly to a medical centre to get her assessed. Karen has now signed up Molly to go swimming and do karate. She has found that swimming helps her co-ordination, and karate with her balance.
External support has been available for Karen. Molly has been having play therapy for 18 months now, where she can safely express her anger and fear. The play therapist has given Karen useful advice, for instance suggesting that Molly uses something soft she can take to school and squeeze whenever she feels angry. The school has been supporting her with this.
The agency’s anger management team has been at hand to help Karen develop strategies to manage Molly’s behaviour and to set boundaries: for instance, sitting her on a step, using reward charts, and removing some of her toys and reintroducing them when her behaviour had improved. The Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services (CAMHS) have had three meetings with Molly, where they observed her behaviour, how she played, and how she expressed distress and anger. “It was all new and strange to me,” recalls Karen. “But I got into it, did some reading, found some information on the internet, and also spoke to Molly’s guardian and our social worker.”
In January 2008, Karen and her husband became Molly’s permanent family after being re-approved as permanent foster carers. “It’s not all been a bed of roses,” adds Karen. “I have cried, I have been on medication... I’ve had to learn the hard way and the fast way
Her advice for families is to get as much information as possible from the child’s agency, and all the support they can, whether from CAMHS or specialised therapists, and also in school. “There is help out there,” says Karen. “If you’re determined to get something for your child, you just have to fight for it, and fight hard.”
When she looks at the photograph taken on Molly’s fifth birthday, Karen knows that it was all worth it. “Here yes sparkle, her cheeks are rosy and her face is bright and open,” she remembers. “We sang ‘Happy Birthday’ together. She looks so happy! That moment was special… It’s my reward.”
Isabelle Rameau
All names have been changed to protect confidentiality.
Supporting your child at school
Often, children who are in the care system are behind academically, and need extra support at school. Each state school should have a “designated teacher”, who is there to help children who are looked after. This could be a Year Head or an experienced teacher with some specialist knowledge. It could also be the Special Education Needs Co-ordinator (SENCO), whose job it is to ensure that children with special educational needs receive the level of support they need to help them achieve educationally – for instance, one-to-one support in reading, or having their own schoolroom assistant. If you think that your child is delayed academically, start by speaking to your school’s designated teacher.
Directgov.uk has a section aimed at parents and dedicated to education
www.parentscentre.gov.uk also has a section regarding education and schooling.
The National Teaching & Advisory Service is a national education service for looked after children and children in needs. They offer information about what support is available, and also sell useful publications such as Education – A Parent’s Handbook and Education – A Carer’s Handbook.
Small Steps Forward
Using games and activities to help your pre-school child with special needs
By Sarah Newman (second edition), Jessica Kingsley Publishers
ISBN 978 1 84310 693 7
When her son, Christopher, was one, Sarah was told that he was developmentally delayed. Without a diagnosis, she wasn’t sure who to turn to, and wanted to do something to help him develop. So she asked lots of different specialists for advice, and began doing various exercises and games with him– and he started to make real progress. She realised that it would be helpful for other parents to have a book compiling these activities, so she wrote it herself! The book gives examples of various activities to do with your child to help them in the areas of cognitive, speech, physical, sensory, social and emotional development. It also has a useful resource section which includes where you can go for support, and a glossary section.
Could adoption or permanent fostering be for you? Find out...
Originally published in the Be My Parent newspaper in September 2009.
This article is published with the kind permission of the people involved. You may download it for your own reference but if you wish to use it for any other purpose, please contact Be My Parent for authorisation: Be My Parent, BAAF, Saffron House, 6-10 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS. Telephone: 020 7421 2666.
Last updated: 04 May 10
