Knowing where you come from
Nita, who has adopted three girls with her partner, talks about the importance of birth families and support.
“We’ve asked to meet all our children’s birth parents because we think it’s very important that children know their stories and where they come from,” says Nita, who together with her partner Clare, has adopted three girls over a 10-year period. Nita is Indian and Clare is white, and their daughters Lubna, 18, Neelam, eight and Saima, four, are all Asian and were born and brought up in the UK.
Recently Nita and Clare spent a holiday in India with Lubna’s birth family, and found it an enjoyable experience.“We always talk to our children about their birth families and foster families. We’ve never felt as though we have to ‘compete’ in any way with birth families. Many children have lots of different adults in their lives, grandparents, aunts and uncles and family friends. We are clear about our responsibilities as parents but we are very open to our children developing relationships with other adults.”
The family now share a house with Nita’s parents who have been very supportive ever since the couple announced their intention to adopt. “It means we can all support each other, and if we ever need to pop out briefly, my parents are there to keep an eye on the younger children,” Nita says.
As adopters, Nita and Clare feel it is important to build your support network by finding people you like and trust. They have a lesbian couple who act as guardians for their daughters, as well as a range of friends who have children of similar ages, or who “really understand what hard work it is to adopt!”.
It is getting a bit easier for same-sex couples to adopt, but you find the same diversity of views in social work as in society, Nita believes. “It’s often down to an individual child’s social worker and the way they handle an initial enquiry. But our last daughter, who was accommodated by the local authority, came to us because her birth mother actively chose us over a heterosexual couple, as with us her child would have older siblings and live in a family that reflected her dual heritage, Asian and white.
I’d say to anyone wanting to apply, don’t be put off because you’re not a ‘conventional’ family. Stick with it, because there will be agencies who recognise your individual skills.”
All names have been changed.
Originally published in the Be My Parent newspaper in November 2004.
This article is published with the kind permission of the people involved. You may download it for your own reference but if you wish to use it for any other purpose, please contact Be My Parent for authorisation: Be My Parent, BAAF, Saffron House, 6-10 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS. Telephone: 020 7421 2666/5/4.
Last updated: 07 August 07
