Life story support

Telling stories

Not all adopted children can know or understand everything about their birth families, and although Jade, 8, and Sophie, 6, know about lack of care in their early life, they don’t yet know about their birth mother being in prison.

The girls will need lots of preparation and support to help them understand and come to terms with the situation.

“They don’t know much about prison, only that bad people go there,” Helen explains. “I wanted to find a children’s book representing prison in a significant way and searched everywhere, including alternative bookshops, but couldn’t find anything.”

Helen even considered contacting the well-known children’s author Jacqueline Wilson to ask her to write a book about it, but thought she’d have a go at it herself! “I’ve nearly finished writing the book and a friend has done a series of drawings to illustrate it. The story, The birthday card, has already been tested on a group of 10 to 13-year-olds and they all liked it.” The book is intended for Jade and Sophie when they are older.

Helen and her partner, Sarah, had already talked with the girls about how they became looked after. They have also explained something about their birth mother’s drug use, and were helped by the children’s psychotherapist: “She was a great source of support and information, and when we asked her how we could introduce the subject of drugs, she suggested we talk about ‘bad medicine’. As they knew what medicine was, they could understand this, and how it could make you ‘fall asleep’.”

As the girls grow older, different ways of helping will be needed. Helen and Sarah have already given Jade a book from an alternativebookshop called My sister takes drugs, although it’s not yet suitable for Sophie. “It’s a really good book about a boy whose big sister starts mixing with a group of young drug users and ends up in rehab,” says Helen.

“Jade really liked it and could relate to what happened to the girl, and remember her own experiences with her birth mother. It made her feel she was not the only one this had happened to.”

The children currently have direct contact twice a year with their birth sister and a grandparent. This helps them to get a rounded picture of their birth family, which can be used in their life story books. “Their sister adores them and spends all her pocket money on them, while their grandparent can tell them about their birth mother – anything from that she’s like to the colour of her hair,” Helen says. “This contact is really good for them.”

Finding support

In thinking about how she could help her children come to terms with their past, Helen was greatly influenced by meeting a woman in her early 20s, who had been adopted and spent 10 years looking for her birth mother. This woman’s life had been changed by an article about adolescent girls in search of their birth mothers and how they can become obsessed with knowing absolutely everything about them. “This had a huge impact on me,” says Helen, “and I didn’t want my girls to go through that, no matter how hard it could get.”

Professional support has also proved invaluable. “Before we adopted the girls, they were seeing a psychiatrist, who became a very consistent person in their lives,” says Helen. "She offered to continue to work with them for a while after they were adopted. It was brilliant to have someone to talk to, to find out what was ‘normal’ behaviour for the girls and what could stem from past experiences.”

Whatever problems they had, Helen and Sarah could ask, and this came in particularly useful when one of the girls had night terrors the night before their former foster carer came to visit. “We wondered if it was because she didn’t want to stay with us,” remembers Helen, “but the psychiatrist explained it was due to lack of sleep – probably just excitement at her carer’s visit keeping her awake!”

As the psychiatrist was not in their area, she offered to refer them to their current child psychotherapist, who was nearer. “The psychotherapist was given all our records and it was great to be able to ring up someone who knew about us. We got lots of pointers on what to do about issues such as dealing with challenging behaviour and coming to terms with being adopted,” says Helen. “This support will also help for any changes in the future, such as moving house or contact. It’s really a very valuable service.”

When it comes to looking after yourself, Helen knows how hard it is to make time, but also knows how important it is to try: “It’s such a shock – on the Friday you are at work, on the Monday you have given up work and have two children who become your life. You can feel guilty about making time for yourself. But Sarah and I do try to go out together as a couple, as well as choosing child-friendly holidays that are also supportive to us.” Helen also reads everything she can about being an adoptive mother, authors like Jackie Kay and childcare manuals, as well as articles in Be My Parent. She found that just talking to the people they met during the assessment helped. “Having good relationships with your social worker and the children’s foster carer can also help you to feel more supported,” she says.

Helen and Sarah have a good support network of family and friends, although they found it changed when the girls actually came to live with them. Neighbours and the other parents they met through nursery have become a big part of their new network. Helen’s sister and her family help as well, although they live too far away to call on regularly. Another great source of support is the lesbian and gay adoption group they attend. “We go to meetings where you can discuss adoption issues such as the process itself, going to panel and so on,” says Helen. “There are trips and Christmas parties, and all the kids know each other. And as a result, Jade and Sophie know lots of other children with two mums.”

Helen remembers how the girls were quite surprised to be getting two mums. “But everyone has been really positive and I don’t think the children think about it. One of their friends said recently: ‘It must be great having two mums. If you can’t get something from one mum, you can get it from the other!’ However, there was a time at school when the children were talking about the ages of their dads. Jade felt bad as she couldn’t join in. Afterwards we talked about it, and I told her that she does have a dad, but just doesn’t see him and doesn’t know his age.”

Both children are very upfront about being adopted, and Helen recalls Jade being thrilled and feeling really special when she told her new teacher, and he said how lucky she was. The teachers know about us, and when discussing families in the classroom, they always talk about different kinds of families. And I think we’re a pretty ordinary family compared to some!”

All names have been changed.

Originally published in the Be My Parent newspaper in January 2004.

This article is published with the kind permission of the people involved. You may download it for your own reference but if you wish to use it for any other purpose, please contact Be My Parent for authorisation: Be My Parent, BAAF, Saffron House, 6-10 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS. Telephone: 020 7421 2666/5/4.

Last updated: 14 August 07

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