Look behind the label
Carol, a mature, black single adopter originally fostered Laquayah, an 'older' child, before adopting her.
“It really is OK to adopt older children! People go for cute babies who they think will become ‘theirs’ so they’ll never have to worry about dealing with their origins – which, of course, isn’t true. So the older children get left behind. They get labelled hard to place, and that was the label stuck on my adopted daughter, Laquayah, when I first fostered her. The social workers thought that because of her age – she was seven at the time – she would probably miss out on chance of a family. So they went for the fostering option, and only later started looking for adopters.
Laquayah came to me as a very disturbed child who sought a lot of attention. She’d been in foster care all her life, and I think attention seeking was her survival technique. She took over my life. Fortunately I was divorced and my birth children had left home, so I could give her the attention she craved. She had a lot of anger and outbursts, and very low self-esteem.
In retrospect, I think that one of the upsides of adopting at that age is that the child can tell you what they are feeling and make decisions for themselves. She had a major say in the process as to whether she wanted to be adopted or not. We were able to have long discussions about adoption and how it would affect her future. I wasn’t sure I was the best thing for her because I’m older and single, and I thought she probably needed a two-parent family. But because of the amount of progress she’d made it was decided that it was better for her to stay with me.
Adopting Laquayah has been a very rewarding experience. Having watched her progress from the very mixed-up 7-year-old who first came to me, to the 13-year-old she is now, I stand amazed at how well she has adjusted and the tremendous strides she has made.
I think when you’re considering adoption, it’s important to look behind the labels that get attached to children. At the core of it all is a child who is desperate for someone to love them. Once they get that, all the other bits come together. Take a look beyond those labels, and you’ll probably find a beautiful, wonderful child that you can love and help to grow into a healthy, wholesome human being.”
As told to Henrietta Bond.
Originally published in the Be My Parent newspaper in November 2004.
This article is published with the kind permission of the people involved. You may download it for your own reference but if you wish to use it for any other purpose, please contact Be My Parent for authorisation: Be My Parent, BAAF, Saffron House, 6-10 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS. Telephone: 020 7421 2666/5/4.
Last updated: 10 September 07
