Loving each child as an individual
Anna joined Sally and her husband, Mark, a white couple, when she was two years old and was adopted a year later. The couple also foster and have an older child of their own.
Anna is now nine. She was relinquished for adoption when she was 10 weeks old and lived with the same foster carers until she came to us. We felt this was a really good thing because it shows the child has had the opportunity to trust an adult and to build a strong attachment. This means they can show feelings, which are vitally important in any relationship. However, we didn’t realise how long forming that new attachment to me would actually take.
I’d thought if I spent time doing things with Anna [not her real name], the attachment would gradually develop, but it seemed I couldn’t do anything for her and she always rushed to Mark for affection. What made it so difficult was that my birth daughter would come and give me hugs and kisses, and I began to feel resentment towards this little one who rejected me so totally, especially as it had been my biggest fear that I might not be able to love Anna like my birth daughter.
We had been on every training course, but you are never fully prepared for the child who moves into your home. After a year we started to settle into a routine, and I met the social worker who had done our initial assessment. I told her how guilty I felt about not loving this little girl as I wanted to, and she said: “At the moment you are comparing your love for your birth child with your feelings for your adoptive child. You will love your adopted child differently, it won’t be less or more, but different.”
This gave me the permission I needed, and I felt I could start all over again. I could build a completely different relationship with Anna. I could love her differently and in her own way. I realised I didn’t need to buy Anna something just because I was buying clothes for my own daughter. It was better to buy Anna a toy – which she loved – and not necessarily at the same time. It’s extremely important to treat each child as an individual.”
The chance of contact is worth taking
“Before Anna came to us we felt we wanted an open adoption and contact with the birth family, and we were lucky it worked out that way. We met the birth parents before Anna [not her real name] moved in, but realised they saw the meeting as a last visit, saying their goodbyes. It was only a few months down the line that we took up the subject with Social Services. We told them we’d like to continue contact if we could, but first we wanted to settle Anna with us, as we didn’t want her to be confused about who she lived with.
We talked to Anna’s birth family, without her being there, to let them know why we wanted to wait. We felt we had to build up trust with them, so they would know we would let them see Anna and, in turn, we would know they wouldn’t muddy the waters about who she lived with.
That contact has worked out well. By having Anna’s birth family around, we’ve received endless, invaluable information about the extended family, and it’s been really positive. For example, you realise how important that is when they do family trees at school, or when Anna asks: “What time was I born?” and we can say: “Next time your birth mother comes round, we will ask her!”. If the chance of contact is there, it’s worth taking.”
Originally published in the Be My Parent newspaper in November 2004.
This article is published with the kind permission of the people involved. You may download it for your own reference but if you wish to use it for any other purpose, please contact Be My Parent for authorisation: Be My Parent, BAAF, Saffron House, 6-10 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS. Telephone: 020 7421 2666/5/4.
Last updated: 10 September 07
