Never a dull moment!

“I’d always wanted two children,” says Kate. “When my husband, Paul, and I found that we couldn’t have our own, we decided to adopt a sibling group.”

With 20 years of teaching experience, plus having worked as a nanny part time, Kate felt ready to take on the challenge of caring for siblings. “I knew what I had to do – I had a lot of knowledge from my background of caring for young children,” she says. “However, if I did have any questions, my agency was able to answer them for me.”

Kate and Paul, a white British couple, were originally looking to adopt white children under three as, at 40 and 43 respectively, they knew their chances of adopting newborn babies were remote. “We went on a three-day course before we began the process, and it was then that we realised we were still being idealistic,” she says.

“However, we knew we wanted young children, and were approved in 2003 for a sibling group of two with the eldest child up to seven years old.”

Having cared for twins in the past, Kate had always been fascinated by them. So when she saw non-identical, two-year-old twin brothers, Aaron and Daniel, in Be My Parent, she couldn’t believe her luck. “Their photo was adorable,” she says. “It’s a natural instinct to look at the photos first when you are looking for children, and we were drawn to them instantly. After reading the profile and considering their individual needs, we decided to enquire about them.”

However, after making the initial call to the boys’ agency and receiving one back, Kate and Paul heard nothing. So in the meantime, they kept looking. “It was about four months since we made that first enquiry,” recalls Kate. “

Our link worker, Denise, had come back from sick leave, so as well as calling social workers about some new children for us, she offered to follow up on Aaron and Daniel. She phoned the very next day to say that before she had even made the call, the twins’ social worker had phoned her!”
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Six months later, Aaron and Daniel, now three, joined the family. “They have a very strong bond,” says Kate. “Aaron looks out for Daniel all the time – he’ll always introduce his brother if meeting new people, or if given a biscuit, will say: ‘I’ll take one for Daniel as well’! There is, of course, some fighting, but they really are great friends and playmates.”

Kate finds Aaron is more forthcoming, but Daniel can make himself heard and is very strong-willed! “Daniel has had to be – so many things have happened to him healthwise. He had quite a few problems when he was small, and still needs hospital appointments. For example, we recently had two in one day!

“People are amazed that the twins are so different. Aaron is a typical three-year- old and advanced for his age, whereas Daniel is about two years old developmentally, not walking until May last year.”

With Daniel’s medical and developmental issues, Kate is very aware of the importance of balancing the needs of both children. “Because I’m so conscious of this, I always make a big effort. I don’t want Daniel to feel he can’t do things, but I don’t want to hold Aaron back either. I praise the boys for all their achievements.”

As the twins are so different, Kate needed to know as much about them as possible. She has built up a really good relationship with their previous foster carer, who was full of information and very happy to share it.“We still have contact with her, and the boys love talking to her on the phone,” says Kate. “Even now, if something comes up, I can just give her a call.”

Kate and Paul’s support network also includes Denise, the children’s social worker, and a close friend who adopted a three-year-old girl, now eight. “It’s good to have friends in the same situation. My friend will say, ‘Oh, this was a really tough part, but then it’s OK.’” They also met another couple on a course for adoptive parents, and keep in touch via the Internet.

Kate gave up work to be a full-time mum – a decision which they had to think long and hard about. Paul arrives home from work in time to share with the bath and bed routine. When the weekends arrive, it’s their chance to offer the brothers one-to-one attention too.

“Paul takes an active role in the boys’ care,” says Kate. “Aaron is like Paul’s shadow – he’ll follow him around the house and is quite happy to copy what he does!”

The couple make sure they have time for each other and for themselves as well. “It’s so easy to get wrapped up in the boys so we make time for ourselves, even if it’s just sitting down, chatting and watching TV after they’ve gone to bed.”

Aaron and Daniel are to have direct contact with their siblings twice a year. “The boys don’t have memories of living with them so we are going into the unknown, but so far their relationships seem very positive,” says Kate.

“We talk about their siblings all the time and have photographs of them all over the house, including one in the kitchen of all of them together. The boys recognise them and will point them out, saying: ‘That’s my Jenny’, or ‘That’s my Lucy.’ The other children have pictures too, and we swap photographs, so contact is always there.”

The couple haven’t met the other children yet, but Kate has had a nice chat with Lucy’s adoptive mum.

“It’s interesting for me,” she says.“I want to meet the others and, if it is in the boys’ best interests, to continue the contact. I know it’s important for Aaron and Daniel, and will make telling their life story easier. But at the same time, I will have to judge what they are getting out of it.”

Kate and Paul are enjoying being a family, but are aware of the possible challenges ahead. “Although things are rosy now, I know there will be times when things will be hard, such as when trying to explain their history to the boys when they are older,” says Kate.

“You don’t know what it’s going to be like. But right now the twins are great fun, and I can safely say there’s never a dull moment!”

Originally published in the Be My Parent newspaper in July 2005.

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Last updated: 04 December 07

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