Night light

Late one night, Josie received a phone call from a friend who said she thought she’d seen Dana, Josie’s teenage daughter, out on the streets.

“I couldn’t believe it,” says Josie, “but went to check. Sure enough, Dana was tucked up in bed, but looking closer, I saw it was just pillows and towels!” Dana had vaguely mentioned a birthday party, but that was all. “Emotionally, I was in freefall,” remembers Josie. “Should I call the police? Would Dana be attacked? Raped? Murdered? And with the anxiety, memories came flooding back, of Dana when she was little, and of how I came to adopt her.”

When she first started thinking about adoption 17 years ago, Josie found some things different from today. Her agency seemed to find it hard to come to terms with the fact that she was single and worked full time. It took her four years to be approved as an adopter, only to find there were no children of the agreed age and gender available. “I am still bitter about how I was treated, but I was doggedly persistent, and decided to adopt abroad.” Josie adopted both her daughters, Dana and Kiri, now aged 17 and 13, from the Middle East, where she had many connections and friends.

“Even at six, when she came to live with me, Dana was her own person, and my love for her grew over the years. She was small for her age, and at eight, still enjoyed being lifted up. She would sit perched on my hip with her arm around my shoulder in a total body hug. Dana was a chatterbox and an extrovert, many things that I was not. I warmed to this and enjoyed sharing all the pleasures of being a small girl again.”

Four years later, the family decided to adopt a second child, from the same country. “At first, this little girl, Kiri, could not look at people, much less come close to us,” says Josie, and it became increasingly clear that she had attachment issues. Her difficulties also expressed themselves in other areas; for example, she found it very hard to deal with body contact sports.

Helping Kiri gain in confidence took time, with Josie trying out various techniques and therapies. One that seemed to work was direct instructions, based on cognitive behaviour therapy: “We told her, if you want people to listen to you, you need to look at them and smile. And gradually,” says Josie, “Kiri was transformed: she can now look at you and smile, and come over and kiss you, although she is still not overly affectionate. And she is now keen on netball!”

What also helped is that, right from the start, the girls were inseparable and a great support to each other, although they also squabble and fight. “They adore and hate each other,” says Josie, “and with a greater intensity than some brothers and sisters. Like everything in adoption, it’s normal life with extra levels!”

Contact with their extended families has been a positive link for both girls, and has helped them build a strong sense of who they are. When they visit their country of origin, the girls are fêted and come back with photographs of their relatives to put on their bedroom walls. They also have a clearer idea of what they will look like when they grow older. Of course, it was not all plain sailing, as Josie explains: “My youngest daughter told me: ‘When I went back the first time I was scared that it would be like what I remembered it was. But it wasn’t and I know that my real family is the one I’m in now.’

For me too, it’s a challenge, as seeing the girls with their birth relatives does remind me of the fragile nature of adoption.”

Josie feels very strongly about the complexities of adoption, as many of the adoptive families she knows, hers included, have faced difficulties. “It goes with the territory,” she explains, “because of the damage and hurt. It’s all so intense and challenging.” She adds: “My children experienced a degree of neglect, and even, for one of them, physical abuse. All this has an effect, which you have to take into account. For example, up until fairly recently, the girls had their light and music on throughout the night. I let them do that because I felt it helped reassure them.”

In thinking through the issues of adoption Josie was greatly helped by an independent social worker, who had been adopted herself and was also an adoptive parent. She also joined support groups for single mothers and for overseas adopters, and a post-adoption support centre has provided help to the whole family.

“As a single adopter,” Josie says: “I’ve also been helped by having au pairs. It’s not always an easy relationship, but you complement each other. Some of the au pairs were lovely, just like older sisters.”

Now that the children are older, and no longer need au pairs, the family, like most families, faces new challenges – parties and staying out late, boyfriends and the need for advice on contraception, alcohol and drugs... The crisis over Dana that night was resolved: she had been to a pub, with make-up on, but was unharmed!

For the last two years, to help her prepare for retirement, Josie has been seeing a mentor therapist. They discuss work issues, but also home ones, as they overlap. The therapist has helped Josie work out what’s going on in relation to her teenagers: “Part of it is about me being fearful and me letting go,” she says. “Another part involves exploring my own past, which involved lots of moves, and my relationship with my parents, and how I was loved.”

It’s also about looking at her own issues as a teenager and her daughters’ issues as teenagers: “If we are not careful my teenagers can get in touch with my inner teenager, or worse, their inner terrible twos can get in touch with my terrible twos!” Josie adds: “It’s been very useful in helping me come to terms with my childhood and to understand their childhood. Practically, it’s also helped me to work out strategies so that Dana can go out safely, and I can avoid getting into a nervous state!”

At a recent workshop with other adoptive parents, some parents felt their child needed therapy. The facilitator suggested it’s not just about the child, but about the interaction between parent and child. “My children don’t see a therapist, but I do, and we all benefit,” points out Josie.

Another challenge Josie has recently faced was changing the girls’ schools. At their large comprehensives the girls were bullied, possibly because of their ethnic origin, and possibly because, as adopted children, they felt more vulnerable, with lower self-esteem. Also, in an effort to conform, from Year 8, both girls started to hang out with the ‘naughty’ children, and their behaviour and performance went down. Josie says: "I didn’t know what to do. I was a Governor at one of the schools and realised that there should have been a more pro-active policy in trying to prevent bullying and racism."

Reluctantly, because she believes in state education, Josie chose private education, and the girls are now much happier, with smaller classes and better pastoral care: "I wish I had acted sooner. It's not a failure for a family to decide to change schools."

Josie concludes: "In many ways it's been joyful, but also sometimes a slow, and a painful journey for all of us. And I couldn't love my daughters more."

All names have been changed.

Originally published in the Be My Parent newspaper in January 2005.

This article is published with the kind permission of the people involved. You may download it for your own reference but if you wish to use it for any other purpose, please contact Be My Parent for authorisation: Be My Parent, BAAF, Saffron House, 6-10 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS. Telephone: 020 7421 2666/5/4.

Last updated: 10 September 07

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