Sleeping in a magical space!
Kim and Paolo, both in their forties, are a married couple who adopted their much-loved daughters, Jade and Billie, 18 months ago. Kim talks about how she and Paolo welcomed them into their life – and how the girls welcomed them in turn.
I first saw Jade and Billie in Be My Parent in 2005, when they were five and three years old. Our social workers made an enquiry on our behalf. Soon after, we met with the girls’ family finder and social worker and, before we knew it, we were at matching panel.
Because everything went so quickly, we had to really think about the critical things to prioritise so Jade and Billie quickly felt a sense of ownership and belonging. We had to imagine them being in our space, and try to put ourselves in their shoes, although we also turned to our social worker for advice, who was amazing. The girls’ social workers were great too because they gave us the encouraging feedback we needed when we didn’t know how we were doing, or how well they were settling in, because we had no comparison.
Besides the safety issues, like stair gates, we created a space for them by having their bedroom and bathroom turned into a world of its own. This meant choosing a different colour scheme (blue) to the rest of the house, and creating a fantasy underwater scene. We found these wonderful murals and put loads of fish, dolphins and turtles on the walls.
We wanted them to feel they were sleeping in a magical space, to distract from it being unfamiliar and strange by making it all new and wonderful. It worked – Jade and Billie took immediate ownership and loved the respect we showed them in recognising their domain. But when Jade and Bille first came home with us, we were all in shock: them, us, even the dogs!
There was a ‘testing’ process almost immediately – being told “you’re not my mummy” and that sort of thing. I didn’t mind because all I could hear from that was “I love you, please don’t reject me too”. We therefore made sure we had the logistics and clear routines ready, as well as lots of kisses and cuddles. We prepared a list of questions for their social worker about eating, bathing and sleeping times, favourite pastimes, foods and TV programmes. We could then create continuity and, over time, introduce the types of food we like to cook, and adjust eating and sleeping times to fit our family rhythm better. We also brought every single scrap they owned with them – all their clothes and toys, no matter what state they were in. We mixed all their old belongings with the new. Over time they became less clear what was ‘before’ and what was ‘after’ coming home.
To help our children make the transition and be clear this was a permanent move, there was no direct involvement with their foster carers following introductions. Although they didn’t ask for them, they did talk about them a lot in the beginning, which we encouraged until they naturally started to talk more about their life with us, their family.
On a practical level, we had to register Jade and Billie with the local GP and medical practice. We then had to find a school for Jade and the right nursery school for Billie. One of the greatest contributors to the girls settling in was their school, who are still doing everything possible to ensure the girls are happy and developing age-appropriately. We told the school they had just been adopted by us, and then asked them to ignore that information and treat them as if we’d been their mum and dad forever.
As siblings, they also had each other as subtle support during those first few weeks. They brought their own little community that we knew we would have to embrace, as much as we were asking them to embrace ours. Just being together gave them a sense of continuity, belonging and continued identity. They had already lost so much, which is why we’d wanted to adopt siblings. And although there was twice as much practical work, there was a hundred times more pleasure!
When it was finally time to sort out the stuff from their past, Jade and Billie proved more ruthless than we were! Even to begin with, when we’d had their birth family picture on display, by the second or third day it was found hidden down the back of something. Although we made sure the pictures of the birth family were kept safe for later, we quickly created framed photos of the girls and us, which they arranged in their room themselves.
It was just ‘us’ as an immediate family for about a fortnight after Jade and Billie moved in, and then we introduced the closest family members. As far as family was concerned, we knew the best input they could give our two girls was love and inclusion from the word go, and they did this brilliantly. We introduced very close friends soon after, and then, over a greater period, people we spent less time with. The whole process took around three months, and culminated in the adoption order being fully granted by the court. We marked this as a ‘completion point’, and decided to hold a party – which loads of people we knew attended. We didn’t just want to celebrate Jade and Billie’s adoption: we wanted to celebrate being a family.
The most important thing is to be yourself and to have faith in the process. This moment will arrive when they turn around and adopt you back. It’s amazing, it’s their choice, and it will happen if you are willing to learn to be their parents and a family together – rather than just have them learn to be your children.
Originally published in the Be My Parent newspaper in March 2007.
This article is published with the kind permission of the people involved. You may download it for your own reference but if you wish to use it for any other purpose, please contact Be My Parent for authorisation: Be My Parent, BAAF, Saffron House, 6-10 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS. Telephone: 020 7421 2666/5/4.
Last updated: 14 August 07
