Ten years on

“Mark is a cheeky, flirty young man,” says Avril, trying to convey her children’s very different personalities. “He loves girls! He winks and blows kisses at them. If you’ve got long hair, Mark gets that sparkle in his eyes. He loves going out in the car – he can still say ‘car’. Vicki loves the disco. We’ve just been on a cruise and had to go dancing every night! She’s a real social hostess who engages and smiles at people. Because Natasha is blind, she’s much more in ‘Natasha world’. Unlike Mark and Vicki, Natasha wants her own time in her own bedroom. She also loves the sunshine and the hot tub. We all love the hot tub as it’s hydrotherapy and fun. There’s usually a spaghetti junction of legs in there!”

Avril and Simon first met Mark in a special care unit of a school when he was eight years old. He was “a little boy lying on the floor, with a massive tummy and stick arms and legs, desperately trying to get attention.” In 1996, Avril told Be My Parent that she’d known “he was the child for us.”

Ten years since first talking to Be My Parent, Avril’s expectations about Mark’s future have mostly been met. “I always thought Mark would still be around now, although I never thought he’d be this ill.” It is other people’s expectations that were proven wrong. “Mark was one of those children who wasn’t supposed to live beyond a baby. I think the amount of love and care they get reflects how long they live. Although he really hasn’t got long now – his heart rate is so low, his muscle tone is going – he could have died years ago without a permanent family. He is hanging in there. He is such a wonderful and lovely character. It will be the end of our world when he goes.”

When Avril first saw Vicki, she had been moved to a residential unit. “There were 30 children living there. The social worker didn’t think they’d find anyone for them, and I thought that was appalling. There are people like me who’d love them for who they are, no matter what time they have left.” Vicki has now been part of the family for seven years.

Avril spotted Natasha in family finding papers around five years ago. “We’d always considered taking on a second child,” Avril says. “But I never thought we’d take on a third. I was still receiving Be My Parent and having a look through – and Natasha was in there for about six months. I kept looking at her picture and thinking, ‘oh, what an angel’. I left the paper around for Simon, open at the right page, so he would see it. I said: ‘Why don’t we enquire?’”

Mark, Vicki and Natasha all require total care, and their disabilities and associated needs are as individual as their characters. “All three children are permanent wheelchair users who need 24-hour care and hoisting,” explains Avril. Mark has cerebral palsy, with muscle deterioration, a gastro-intestinal condition, severe learning difficulties, and little speech. Vicki has some respiratory and gastric problems, and needs to be fed through a tube in her stomach (gastrostomy). Natasha is blind and has lifethreatening epileptic fits. She is also gastrostomy-fed.

Avril doesn’t just have an adapted van to support her children, but also an adjusted outlook. “We have oxygen for them and we’ve even got IV fluids for Mark, and we’ve learned to do all of that at home. And at weekends, we all go out – they have electric wheelchairs – without enlisting anyone else’s help. That’s the sort of thing they all like doing. They can’t drive the wheelchairs themselves, but Vicki has a real laugh trying.”

Avril and Simon’s experience of support has been different for every one of their foster children. “Support has always been hit and miss. With Vicki, we had an excellent social worker who pushed for every piece of equipment that she needed. Vicki needed a medical bed, she got one.” Of course, the couple’s network of support is indispensable. “My mum and dad live next door and we have lots of friends.”

Because Mark, Vicki and Natasha are fostered, Avril found herself battling with Social Services when Mark and Vicki reached adulthood. They insisted that Mark should be in residential care and no longer needed fostering. Avril was shocked by their attitude, and fought to keep Mark on. “We are also getting towards sorting out Vicki staying here. It was always our intention to take on the children for life. After all these years, the children really become yours.” She continues: “If Mark had wanted to go and live in a different situation, we would look at it. But if Mark is unwell, he always asks for me. Being part of a family is all they have ever wanted.”

Mark, Vicki and Natasha are very much family and part of each other’s lives. “Mark and Vicki, in particular, have a sibling relationship. Mark never shows any jealousy towards the other two. Vicki sometimes still looks at Natasha as if to say ‘when are you going home?’”

Avril is still committed to caring for disabled children, and keen to encourage prospective adopters or permanent foster carers to consider it. “You’ve got to have a positive, can-be-done attitude. I’ve never felt like giving up. There are obvious times when you feel down because they’re ill, but the children themselves are so rewarding and fun. The challenge is not dealing with the children, but with other people’s attitudes towards them.” Avril still believes in what she told Be My Parent ten years ago: “For every child, no matter what their disability, there is a family out there.”

Natasha’s real name and photograph could not be used in this article.

Originally published in the Be My Parent newspaper in July 2006.

This article is published with the kind permission of the people involved. You may download it for your own reference but if you wish to use it for any other purpose, please contact Be My Parent for authorisation: Be My Parent, BAAF, Saffron House, 6-10 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS. Telephone: 020 7421 2666/5/4.

Last updated: 10 September 07

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