The moment you’ve been waiting for...

You may be wondering where to start. It might be helpful to remember that, just as every family and their way of doing things is different, every child is different and will have come from different circumstances and backgrounds. There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way of doing things, and it is impossible to prepare entirely for something so life-changing, but there may be small steps you can take that work best for you and your child. You are likely to have a ‘sense’ of your child from reports that you and your social worker have gone through together.

There will also have been an intense period of introductions, where you may have travelled long distances to meet and talk to your child. Developing a relationship will be an ongoing process, and you will both be slowly getting to know each other.

Being prepared

Preparing your child for moving in with you is really important, but so is preparing yourself. The preparations will be emotional and practical, and most needed when the reality of what’s happening is starting to sink in. In this issue, two families talk about how they helped their children settle, in ways that worked best for them. Kim and Paolo talk about how adopting two birth sisters meant their daughters found support, continuity and comfort in each other.

There was plenty of practical preparation needed too, as Julia also found out. As a single carer, she wanted to rally round friends and family for support. Not only did she move to be nearer that support, but she also put together a ‘family book’ of people important to her, which her adoptive son looked through in those first few weeks. Bridget, a social worker, gives some advice and recommends not only putting together a ‘family book’, but creating routines with your child from the start, perhaps by planning your days together with a diary.

Looking after yourself

Getting support in those first few weeks is all part of preparing and looking after yourself. It might be support from family and friends who can get involved by doing supermarket shops or being there to phone when you need a chat.

It could also be support from other adopters or foster carers, either those you’ve met during preparation groups, or via organisations such as Adoption UK (www.adoptionuk.org.uk), which has a really useful message board, or The Fostering Network (www.fostering.net). The first few weeks after your child has been placed with you can be a challenging time, both emotionally and physically.

Picking up or running after children when you’re not used to it can be exhausting. It will be important to reduce stress by taking as much time off work as you can and avoiding any additional pressures – this is not the best time to go on a family holiday for instance!

Making adjustments

It will also be a difficult time for your child, and perhaps they will find it hard to adjust to their new environment. Or perhaps they seem to instantly attach and behave like a ‘model child’. Each child will deal with this change in different ways. But whether there’s a ‘honeymoon period’ or your child shows their most challenging behaviours, don’t give up! It’s still early days, and with time and preparation you should progress from getting to know each other to becoming a family.

Isabelle Rameau

Originally published in the Be My Parent newspaper in March 2007.

This article is published with the kind permission of the people involved. You may download it for your own reference but if you wish to use it for any other purpose, please contact Be My Parent for authorisation: Be My Parent, BAAF, Saffron House, 6-10 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS. Telephone: 020 7421 2666/5/4.

Last updated: 14 August 07

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