We couldn’t do it without them

Our first look at our support network was six months ago, when our social worker asked us to do an ‘eco map’ of who was in it. We didn’t really have a clue what an eco map was, so we just made a list – but our social worker suggested we be more creative. So we got a large piece of A2 paper and sectioned it off with bands of colour. We positioned ourselves in one corner and cut out the names of people in our network, and stuck them on. Close family and friends were near to us on the chart, and those we didn’t see often were further away.

We were initially very defensive about the issue of support. Our social worker made a big thing about our community, as we live in a small village, where any newcomers stand out. So doing the eco map was a revelation. As time went on, we realised that our chart should actually change and evolve with us. Some people on the outer edge have become incredibly close and mean a lot to us now that we are going through the adoptive process, such as prospective adopters whom we met at training.

We have also found support in unexpected places – such as from people in the New Family Social, a support group for lesbian and gay adopters. The website is an important source of information for us, and sometimes reading people’s online messages is like having an indirect support network.

It’s been amazing to meet with same-sex couples from the group, and see them relaxing with their kids over coffees and cakes, just ‘getting on’ with life – how real life must look like to heterosexual people. It made us realise how vital this group is going to be for us and our children in the future.

But it’s not just been about making new friends. Although we are further away from longstanding friends and family since we moved, we have managed to make those friendships stronger. When people visit us, they tend to stay for a while! That didn’t happen when we lived in a city, when people would just stop by and make short, fleeting visits. And during this whole process, our families have been incredibly supportive.

Our community is brilliant at the moment. People pop in for a chat, they help fix the lawnmower when we break it – some neighbours even did the catering for our civil partnership! We realise that this might change when we adopt, as they will see us as a family unit and not just a gay couple, and our social worker told us we should think about that. Although we don’t think it will happen, if their attitude towards us changes, we won’t stay and try to educate their ignorance. We’ll find another community that will accept us.

We know that prejudiced people are out there in life and we have to deal with them, as well as providing a supportive and nurturing environment for any kids we adopt. We think life is going to be challenging and together we can deal with this. We know the people in our life are the ones we love and care for and who respect us and want the best for us. Over the past few years, Jason and I have gotten used to our rural lifestyle and being quite isolated. Being forced to think about support networks has allowed us to see how important these people will be when we adopt. We don’t think we could do it without them.

Kerrigan

Read more about how agencies can support you if you choose to become a permanent foster carer...

Originally published in the Be My Parent newspaper in July 2009.

This article is published with the kind permission of the people involved. You may download it for your own reference but if you wish to use it for any other purpose, please contact Be My Parent for authorisation: Be My Parent, BAAF, Saffron House, 6-10 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS. Telephone: 020 7421 2666.

Last updated: 03 July 09

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