We fit everything in!
Sally, in her early forties, is a Project Manager at NCH Midlands. She and her husband, Hudson, are also proud parents to Ross, aged 14, their adopted daughter Jemima, aged ten, and Louis, aged four. She talks to Sophie Offord about juggling full-time work with full-time parenting – and how this affects adoption.
Hudson and I always thought that one day we’d adopt. When Ross, our birth son, was two, we decided that now was the time. I am white British, and Hudson is black African-Caribbean, and we knew there were lots of mixed ethnicity children needing adoptive families. Additionally, we knew we could love someone else’s child.
Although we worked fulltime, to think that someone might have declined us for adoption because of that now seems ludicrous! However, it did come up at the time. We were approached about a boy, whose social worker visited us. She said the boy was used to a stay-at-home mummy. I said, “No, he’s used to stay-at-home foster carers”. It was short-sighted of that social worker to not even think about how we could have worked around it. And I think that’s why we weren’t matched with him. Long after Jemima was placed with us, that little boy was still waiting for a family.
It took around three years, from starting the adoption process, to being matched with Jemima, who was nine months old when placed with us. My workplace was very supportive. Although (I felt) you couldn’t do my job part-time and do it justice, there is flexibility around my hours. I also took six months’ adoption leave at the time. When I returned to work full-time, I knew there’d be some changes. My husband changed jobs entirely. He was keen to spend time with the children in the holidays so he left his job as a training officer and became a lecturer. I also reduced my hours initially, and took my children to school and back – and still do several times a week. We have got the whole family on board to help with the childcare.
When we first became parents, I was working at a day nursery, and had a positive view of nursery provision. I’d worked full-time when Ross was young and, although I knew everything was slightly different for an adopted child, it didn’t affect the planned childcare arrangements. Because Jemima had already experienced separation and loss, I knew she should have a main, secure attachment – us. I was reluctant to consider a nanny or childminder, as we wanted Jemima to be clear who her primary caregivers were. And Jemima absolutely thrived at nursery.
With each of our children, adopted or not, I’ve fought harder to get that work-life balance right. I’m still struggling daily. Sometimes one wins more than the other! But we’re a happy, well-functioning family. The children don’t miss out on anything their peers are doing. We fit everything in! Of course all this juggling wouldn’t be right for some adopted children, but Jemima had minimal moves. And she now has a very good life in a secure family.
There are also some benefits to having parents who work. The children see Hudson sharing household chores with me; they see us working together as a family. All three are also very confident, and I think this is partly because they went to nursery and made the transition to school easily. Truthfully, I could never be a stay-at-home mum. I didn’t just return to work for financial reasons. You make life choices. I could have afforded to go part-time after Louis, but it wouldn’t be possible with this job. I am not naive about juggling adoption and working, and I know it can be difficult. But I don’t think anyone should be ruled out as adopters because they’re working. You can always think around it creatively.
You need to consider how much time and energy you have – and will have. Like any parent, you need to make some adjustments. It’s helpful to have lots of support. Check what childcare is on offer in your area. Try to seek the support of your employers. Working at NCH Adoption, I’ve met many working women who are successful adopters. There are people out there with more difficult, complex jobs than I have – and they are managing the juggling act between work and home-life. At work I see some adoptive families with nannies, or childminders, or with partners who are the primary carers – and it has worked out really well. Those weren’t what I chose for my family but I wouldn’t rule it out if it’s right for someone else’s. There are so many different types of families and different types of arrangements.
I’ve always had a positive view of working parents. Since adopting, I’ve re-affirmed that view.
Ross, Jemima and Louis’s real names could not be used in this article.
Originally published in the Be My Parent newspaper in January 2007.
This article is published with the kind permission of the people involved. You may download it for your own reference but if you wish to use it for any other purpose, please contact Be My Parent for authorisation: Be My Parent, BAAF, Saffron House, 6-10 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS. Telephone: 020 7421 2666/5/4.
Last updated: 14 August 07
