We were meant to be a family

I never had any doubts whatsoever that one day I would be a mum. But for medical reasons, it was unlikely I could conceive. I was aware of the high proportion of black children in the care system, and a real need for black carers to come forward to adopt them. I’m black British of Jamaican origin, so this struck a chord.

I used my assessment to analyse what I really wanted, and I thought hard about how much I value the size of my own family. I decided that I actually wanted to adopt siblings! Siblings, especially slightly older ones, are much harder to place than a single child, and might therefore be split up. As a single carer, I knew my support network was strong enough to help me manage. Adopting a baby became less important too. I wanted children who could value and relate to each other.

The adoption process took 20 months, from the initial open day to the day I brought Shani and Niyah home. I found the searching part of the whole process the most frustrating. I was raring to go, and just wanted to find my children!

I saw Shani and Niyah in Be My Parent and I knew there was something special about them. Shani looked like my big sister, and the photo of the children was so touching. They were sitting so close to each other that their heads were touching, and Shani was cradling her brother’s face with her hand. I rang the agency and after a long delay on their part and a few other mismatches, I pushed for a face-to-face meeting with their social worker. At this point, I was still seeing Shani and Niyah’s profile in the paper, again and again. And I already knew I had some kind of strange connection to them!

I had doubts only once – before the children moved in. I was told that Niyah’s development was a little delayed, and Shani’s delay was moderate. I didn’t feel that I had the skills to manage this. I was devastated, in floods of tears. But I knew there was a reason why I had pursued these children and that I would be introduced to them. I told myself, ‘They’re my kids, I can do this!’ I knew in my heart that the match was right.

When I collected them from the foster carer’s home, I got this tremendous feeling of joy, followed by a sense of ‘oh my god’ – this was actually happening! I was actually going to be taking these children home with me forever!

Three years later and here we are settled together as a family! I have my nightmare days, heartaches, tears and frustrations, but then the children will come out with something really funny, and all is well again! I take the rough with the smooth and realise the hard times are there for a reason – I use them as stepping stones to move up and on.

And we’ve walked a lot of stepping stones. Shani and Niyah are now in a very good school. They’re catching up and heading in the right direction. Shani’s behaviour has improved. Before being adopted, she was very angry. She was even sent for medical tests as she rarely smiled. But when the adoption order came through, it was like she ‘breathed out’. I hadn’t realised until then how much she held herself in. She started to relax. She even started to laugh!

I didn’t really understand until I had my children how powerful the feelings are. It’s an unconditional love, and there is nothing else like it. Adopting Shani and Niyah has made me feel whole and given me purpose. I feel like they were ‘my’ kids all along, just waiting for me to find them. We were meant to be a family.

As told to Sophie Offord.

Shani and Niyah’s names have been changed to protect their confidentiality.

Originally published in the Be My Parent newspaper in November 2009.

This article is published with the kind permission of the people involved. You may download it for your own reference but if you wish to use it for any other purpose, please contact Be My Parent for authorisation: Be My Parent, BAAF, Saffron House, 6-10 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS. Telephone: 020 7421 2666.

Last updated: 02 November 09

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