With a little help from your friends

As a prospective adopter or permanent foster carer, the most important thing is to be honest with your social worker. Looking at who will support you isn’t about putting you on the spot or making you feel inadequate. It’s a really useful way of identifying the areas in which your agency can help you ‘fill in any gaps’. It also tells your agency with whom your child is likely to interact, which might be important, for instance, if you are a lesbian couple adopting a boy who needs strong male role models. Don’t lose sight of the aim of all this, which is your agency wanting to give the placement the best possible chance of succeeding.

Look past the jargon, and a ‘support network’ is just what it says on the tin. It refers to a network of support around you – people you know, who can help in little ways or perhaps with grander gestures, interacting with your child
!!! or simply there just for you. This will naturally include friends and close family members, but might also consist of people in your wider community. You might even make useful contacts through the internet, like Kerrigan and Jason did.

Similarly, people you expected to be great sources of support may drift away when you adopt or foster. Lives change, and so do people, and it is important to recognise this and remain realistic. Being asked to look at your support network can be a real eye opener, and your expectations around support may be challenged every step along the way.

Keeping friends and family involved and informed about adoption or permanent fostering – like Penny did with her parents and best friend – is your best chance of making sure that people are able and willing to support you once a child joins you. After all, it’s not just you who will be affected. Looking after a child, permanently, creates a new situation, which all the people involved have to adjust to.

How much you lean on your support network really does depend on your needs and circumstances. If you
are a single carer adopting a large group of brothers and sisters, you may arguably need more support than a couple. If you permanently foster a disabled child, you should receive a lot of practical and financial input from your agency, but you will still need people to turn to emotionally when times get tough. Support networks come in all shapes and sizes, from all kinds of places, and the level and type of support you get from each person will vary. There is no such thing as the ‘right’ support network – only what is right for you and your child.

Sophie Offord, Deputy Editor

So who makes up my support network?

This really varies, but here are some examples:

• close and extended family
• friends
• neighbours
• social workers
• teachers and educational support
• your GP and other medical professionals
• contacts from internet forums and online support services
• community or parenting support groups
• therapists
• other adopters/foster carers, mums and dads
• people from your religious community
• work colleagues
• people you meet from any leisure groups you attend or hobbies you have

I know somebody who is about to adopt or foster – how can I help them?

If you are an adoptive or foster family, feel free to pass these on to someone you think could do with the guidance!

• prepare some photos and materials for the family to give to the child, so you aren’t such a ‘stranger’ when you finally meet
• learn all you can about adoption and fostering, so you really understand what the family is experiencing
• help with small chores and ‘odd jobs’ around the house, like doing the dishes, cleaning out the cupboards or getting the shopping in
• free up time for the adoptive or foster parent(s), so they can get to know their new child properly. For example, if they already have children, consider looking after them sometimes
• offer a shoulder to lean on if they want to shout, cry or laugh!
• hare your own experiences if you have adopted or fostered too – let them know that there is light at the end of the tunnel if things become tough
• time your visits well! Try to work out when the adoptive or foster family needs you and wants you and when they don’t
• don’t bombard the family with advice, however well-meaning. Simply be there for them, whichever way suits them best

Read more about the adoption and permanent fostering processes...

Originally published in the Be My Parent newspaper in July 2009.

This article is published with the kind permission of the people involved. You may download it for your own reference but if you wish to use it for any other purpose, please contact Be My Parent for authorisation: Be My Parent, BAAF, Saffron House, 6-10 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS. Telephone: 020 7421 2666.

Last updated: 25 August 09

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