You don't have to be perfect

My adoption journey began with hypothetical discussions about children and meeting Mr Right. I was in my late thirties and felt that time was running out and I really did want to be a mum. Then my friend showed me a newspaper advert saying that all kinds of people could adopt, and this agency was specifically looking for black adopters.

I thought, “I’ve got nothing to lose, I’ll give it ago”, and phoned them. They were really friendly and reassuring. They said they were interested and would send a social worker for the initial assessment.

The process, from that first phone call to Junior being placed with me, took nine months. At the time, I felt like it was going horribly slowly, but having met other adopters, I realise it went at the speed of light. NCH London Black Families had been specifically set up to find families for non-white children, and they were very new and focused.

The first home visit was around Christmas 2004. I was worried about not appearing good enough to the social worker. But then I chose to be up-front, as there seemed no use pretending with such huge consequences.

I found going to panel pretty scary, even more so as I’d already spotted my little boy in Be My Parent and Children Who Wait, and the matching process was running in parallel. I had already decided on a child aged between two to four, because I think kids at that age are funny and engaging. I then started looking in family-finding publications to see what kind of children were out there and clarify what I couldn’t handle. That’s when I saw Junior. I was completely sure he was the one. I even cut out his picture and carried it around as if he were already my child.

I was in shock when I found out I’d been approved! Only a month later, in June 2005, there was the matching panel to get through. It was between me and another single adopter –and they chose me! By the end of July, we were having the first meeting. I was very nervous that day, worrying, “What if we don’t click?”. Yet within 30 seconds, we were playing with Thomas the Tank Engine on the floor.

Throughout the introductions period, Junior drove the pace. One day, Junior, his foster carer and I were all meant to go to my house, but Junior grabbed my hand, said “Bye bye” to his carer, and dragged me off!

Of course, there have been difficult times. Early this year, I was really tired – I’d invested so much into Junior, I’d forgotten about myself. This coincided with Junior starting nursery, not having his naps, and coming home grumpy. But, after a few weeks, we got through it. As a single parent, you suss out the friends who babysit; the people who will actually ‘do’ rather than ‘talk’. Some people just don’t know how to handle adoption. You also have to cope with untactful remarks because, locally, people suddenly see you with a child and wonder how this child arrived! Because I don’t see any stigma in adoption, I happily answer any questions.

Junior asked questions at first about his foster family, but he quickly stopped talking about it. He’s just so chuffed I’m his mummy – it’s like he feels he’s won the lottery! He doesn’t seem to think that his family is incomplete because there is no daddy, which is interesting, as he had a foster dad.

I wouldn’t love Junior any more if he was my biological son, and our relationship wouldn’t be any stronger. The adoption journey is different for everyone, but I don’t think it helps to expect the worse. There’s a myth that it’s terribly difficult to adopt and you have to be perfect –but I think all parents ‘blag it’ to some extent!

There are so many children out there who are black or of mixed ethnicity, and so many social workers keen to place them with the right ethnic match. If those adopters don’t come forward, these children might stay in care indefinitely. And the older the children get, the harder it becomes to place them. Knowing people who have and were adopted, I know those things they say in adverts are true: there are people in all sorts of ‘categories’ adopting and being helped to find wonderful, suitable children.

Olivia

From an interview by Sophie Offord

Why not...

• Look at some more of our features on ethnicity, such as 'In the best interest of the children' and 'A sense of identity'

• Read our answer to the commonly asked question, 'Can I adopt or foster a child of a different ethnicity to me? '

• For details of black and minority ethnic children who need permanent families to care for them now, please see the selection of short children's profiles currently on our website

• Get more infornation on starting the adoption journey

Originally published in the Be My Parent newspaper in November 2006.

This article is published with the kind permission of the people involved. You may download it for your own reference but if you wish to use it for any other purpose, please contact Be My Parent for authorisation: Be My Parent, BAAF, Saffron House, 6-10 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS. Telephone: 020 7421 2666/5/4.

Last updated: 27 April 10

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