Adjusting to the real child
Jackie is white English and her partner, Harold, is black Jamaican. They have a birth daughter of 19, and adopted Holly five years ago. Holly, now 10, is of mixed heritage, white UK and black African-Caribbean. Jackie explains what adoption means to the family.
Harold and I have been together many years and we both worked hard at our jobs, but always talked about all those children out there who don’t have families. In the hubbub of our working lives and having our own daughter, it got pushed to the back of our minds. Then we had a personal tragedy in our lives and it made us stop and think about what we have to offer.
I think adoption gives children a sense of belonging, and it’s important for mixedheritage children to go to families who are mixed heritage. Studies on black children placed with white families show that they can become very confused. Some of them think of themselves as mixed heritage or even white – but society doesn’t see them like that. Society sees them as black. So, if they don’t understand things about their own culture, food, music and religious festivals, then it’s hard for them to understand themselves, and know where they fit in, and belong.
We saw Holly in a flyer from a local authority. There wasn’t a picture but we knew from the description she was for us. Then when we saw her photograph we were smitten – she was such a sweetie!
When she came to us she was totally what I wasn’t expecting. I had this image of a quiet, withdrawn, vulnerable child and she isn’t! She’s confident, well spoken, very in your face! I had to come to terms with the child I’d envisaged and the child I had in my house. It took me a while to adjust to that and the problems she came with. Most children have the ability to manipulate adults to some degree but with adopted children it can be 98 per cent! It’s probably because looked-after children want attention so badly that they’ve developed techniques to get it. Every conversation, Holly had to be there – and in the middle – so Harold and I could never talk to each other without her interrupting. You have to recognise children are doing this, otherwise they can drive a wedge between you.
Time makes problems bearable and we had good support from each other, but also from professionals, and friends who foster. You shouldn’t be afraid to ask for help. I would definitely adopt again, and we are seriously considering it. The rewards are giving a child a chance to have as normal a start as possible, and hoping they progress into bigger and better things. Lots more people should adopt because whilst it’s hard, it’s also a very rewarding thing to do with your life.”
Originally published in the Be My Parent newspaper in November 2004.
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Last updated: 10 September 07
