Diary of an adoption journey

We had always wanted to start a family, but were told after some medical investigations that we would be unlikely to ever conceive naturally. It was quite a blow, but we were aware there were other ways we could try, and started a course of IVF. We found it quite stressful and, after a few unsuccessful attempts, thought we would leave it for a while. We discussed adoption, but at the time it didn’t feel right, as Peter worked away from home during the week and it wouldn’t have been fair on us or any child, just having him around at weekends.

In February 2003 Peter started working locally and the subject of adoption came up again. We decided it was the right time to make some investigations. This is the diary of our journey through the adoption process.

March 2003

I telephone the local adoption agency and am told that they are not taking on any prospective adopters who want children under four years old. They will contact us when they are taking new people on their books for younger children.

June 2003

The adoption agency writes to invite us to an introductory meeting on adoption and the procedures. We don’t quite know what to expect or who will be there. I am excited that this could be the start of things!

There are about ten or so couples there and some single people of various ages. We are given information on what to expect, the type of children up for adoption and why, and roughly how long it can take before you actually get to adopt a child: approximately two years at the moment. It seems like an eternity but I’m trying to remain positive...

We filled in all the necessary parts and sent back the form and waited. And waited. And waited. Finally we were advised that a social worker would be coming out to see us and decide whether they would take us on their books.

October 2003

Finally a social worker, Claire, comes to see us. She is really nice and makes us feel very comfortable, she explains that the process may feel a little intrusive at times. She asks all about us and our families, how we met and why we want to adopt, what age child we want, and whether we prefer a girl or a boy. She says the report she was doing was like a mini home study, which will come later on if we are accepted. It’s back to the waiting game again... I remind myself not to be impatient.

The next six months seemed to float by. Christmas came and went. We then received a letter telling us that the agency was taking us on and that we would soon be invited to the next stage, which was the preparation course.

March 2004

Our first preparation group! There are six other couples and two single women. Social workers Kathy and Jennifer work for the Adoption Unit and make us feel comfortable, assuring us that we are not going to be made to do anything we don’t want to. We are told that some issues might come up that could be upsetting and if we don’t feel comfortable at any time to just let them know.

Over the next couple of sessions we were told about how children feel, how their lives may have been affected, reasons they were being put up for adoption, physical and mental health problems. We found it very helpful to discuss issues in a group and got on very well with everyone. We all agreed to swap addresses and keep in touch in the future. An adoptive mum was due to come and talk about her experiences at the final meeting, but we never made it as my father sadly passed away that morning.

April 2004

Even though we are going through a sad and busy time, we are determined it won’t stop us carrying on with the adoption. We are looking forward to our home study, which should start around September.

October 2004

We have finally been allocated a social worker, Kathy, to start our home study. Some of the meetings will be jointly with another couple, Janice and Trevor, whom we met during the preparation course, which we are quite happy about. It’s good to sit down and chat openly with Peter, it makes us realise how much we both really want this and the type of parents we will be.

After some meetings with Kathy, sometimes with Janice and Trevor, panel dates are booked. We are really excited and a bit nervous too, not knowing what to expect. All our referees have filled out their forms and sent them to Kathy. She is arranging to meet some of them. Nearly there now!

Kathy has also told us that Claire, the social worker we saw at the beginning of our application, is going to be the one who finds us a suitable child once we get through panel. We are having a meeting with both of them soon to discuss things we both feel we can or can’t cope with. I think I’ll find this very hard. I feel that if I say no to a condition, illness or disability, I’ll feel guilty for not wanting those children. Kathy has reassured me that not everyone can cope with every problem and they do understand. She says we must be honest and not to worry about it.

February 2005

What a blow! A few weeks to go until panel and Kathy has called saying that things will be delayed slightly as she needs to meet one of our referees in person.

March 2005

All references are done but now we have another hiccup: possible industrial action and some of the panel may not be able to attend. The date has been put off for another week and a half. We are both feeling very low, as we have worked ourselves up for this date. It’s very stressful at the moment, and as much as everyone is reassuring us that it will be fine, you still need to hear it from the panel.

April 2005

We are going to panel today. We are both very nervous but everyone is very nice. Each member of the panel (nine plus one observer) introduces themselves to us. They are a mixture of social workers, adoptive parents, an adopted person, a legal adviser and just general people. They ask us a few questions, but nothing too intrusive or complicated. We are then asked to leave the room for a moment while they make their decision. After about five minutes the panel chairperson comes to see us and tells us that we will be recommended for approval. We are so pleased. I shed a little tear of joy. We have to wait a couple of weeks for the official letter to arrive but our social worker assures us that we can go home and celebrate. We are going to be parents!

In May 2005, Peter and Sylvia were linked with a little boy of two, Thomas, who has now been living with them since the end of August 2005.

Originally published in the Be My Parent newspaper in November 2005.

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This article is published with the kind permission of the people involved. You may download it for your own reference but if you wish to use it for any other purpose, please contact Be My Parent for authorisation: Be My Parent, BAAF, Saffron House, 6-10 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS. Telephone: 020 7421 2666/5/4.

Last updated: 04 December 07

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