First time lucky

Chantelle (four) and Evie (three) have now lived with Jane and James for nearly three months. “It’s like a fairy tale!” says Jane. “From the first introduction visit they started calling us Mum and Dad, and it has just continued like that.”

The proud parents: Jane and James Before they got married, the couple had agreed that they wanted a family and decided that, should they be unable to have their own, they wouldn’t go down the route of IVF. So in 2006, when it became apparent that they couldn’t have a baby, they made the first call to an agency to enquire about adoption. “It felt like the next, natural step for us,” explains Jane.

However, they somehow got missed out from the next preparation group the local authority ran – Jane admits that, in hindsight, it was for the best, as they probably weren’t ready then. But they tried again at the end of 2008 and began to attend a preparation group in March 2009. “At the beginning, none of us knew what to expect,” says Jane. “Three of the five couples had come to adoption due to infertility issues and were first-time parents. We really bonded with those couples in our group.”

Things went pretty quickly for the couple after that: they started their home study in June 2009 and were approved at panel in November 2009. Their local authority had a policy of asking families to wait 12 weeks to try to match within their authority before starting to look for children elsewhere. Once that period had ended, Jane and James decided to have a look at the Be My Parent website.

Straightaway, they saw Chantelle and Evie’s details amongst the short children’s profiles on the homepage of the website and decided to subscribe immediately to find out more about them. They made their enquiry the first time they logged in to the Be My Parent online service, in January 2010. “We never even enquired about other children! It’s a story people won’t believe,” exclaims Jane.

As they hadn’t heard back from the girls’ social workers after a few days, their social worker followed up the enquiry, and it didn’t take very long after that. “First we were informed that another couple was also being considered, but in March we were told that we had been chosen!” When Jane and James found out more about the girls, there were no surprises, just a little more information. Evie’s profile had said that she had “had to undergo corrective surgery, which has given her more freedom to explore her environment”, and they were not sure what it meant, assuming it was about mobility. In fact, it was a colostomy operation, which was subsequently successfully reversed. They also found out more about when and why the girls had become looked after.

Jane and James prepared a book of photos and a DVD, which the girls’ foster carers shared with them. “When they saw us for the first time, they said ‘Mummy, we saw you on the TV!’” says Jane. The level of preparation for both the couple and the children was paramount in making for an easy transition for the girls, believes Jane. The preparation group also helped them. “I don’t think there was anything that wasn’t covered. It included all the good and bad things. We even heard from one couple who had adopted children with very significant attachment issues. There were no surprises.”

Another benefit of the preparation group has been that members have become a source of support for each other – something they have set up for themselves informally. Three out of the five couples (two didn’t go through with adoption) meet two or three times a month. “It’s great because we’ve all been placed with children around the same time and we’re very close by. We are all going through the same thing together: they understand about attachment or behaviour issues, for instance. It’s been a huge help. And in between meetings, we can exchange texts or phone calls.”

The family’s community has also been very receptive. “We live in a small town and everyone has welcomed the girls,” says Jane. “And the girls have taken really well to other members of our family and to the friends who come to visit.”

Support has been essential for the couple, whether from their preparation group, friends and families, community, or their social worker, but Jane thinks that adopters need to know that it’s definitely OK to ask for help before something goes wrong. “Some adopters might think ‘we’ve been waiting for those kids for so long, we feel guilty that everything isn’t going right’. That’s why it would be useful to have a flier from your agency giving information on what support is available before it’s needed, and not worry about asking for it.”

Luckily, there has been no need for Jane and James to ask for support: the girls have really settled and been making good progress: Chantelle is doing well at nursery and Evie’s speech has come on tremendously.

Jane is aware that they’ve been pretty lucky in how quickly and smoothly things have gone. “I have nothing but praise for our local authority and Be My Parent. It’s been such a great experience for us, right through from preparation group to taking the girls home.” And, even though other prospective adopters might not necessarily be lucky enough to be matched with the first children they enquire about, Jane’s advice is still to go for it. “Adoption should be the first option for anyone not able to have their own children, not the last resort.”

Isabelle Rameau

All names have been changed to protect confidentiality.

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Originally published in the Be My Parent newspaper in November 2010.

This article is published with the kind permission of the people involved. You may download it for your own reference but if you wish to use it for any other purpose, please contact Be My Parent for authorisation: Be My Parent, BAAF, Saffron House, 6-10 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS. Telephone: 020 7421 2666.

Last updated: 28 October 10

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