How far we’ve come
Kim and Karl’s birth sons were approaching adulthood when the couple first thought about permanent fostering – and four years ago, they were matched with Zoe. Now that their sons are grown up and moved out, and Zoe has become a teenager, they are about to complete the family with the arrival of two boys, aged 10 and 6! Sophie Offord joins Kim to look back at the ups and downs of being a permanent foster carer…
I think of short-term fostering as – admirably – a plaster on a wound. I desperately wanted to become a permanent foster carer because I wanted to be part of the process that got the wound stitched, waited for the stitches to be taken out, and saw the wound heal.
As our birth sons reached independence, we agreed, as a family, that permanent fostering would be suitable. Some friends asked why we weren’t choosing to adopt. I explained that Karl and I weren’t going to be placed with babies at our age, and some of the older children came with complex behaviours. With these children, we would probably grow to really need the professional back-up that permanent fostering brings.
So, nearly five years ago, we applied to be permanent foster carers. Karl and I had six months of extensive training and then, unlike many other permanent foster carers, we had another six months providing respite and emergency care before we were permanently matched with Zoe.
I remember Zoe coming through the door, sobbing. I handed her a box of tissues and said, “I know exactly how you are feeling, but I promise you that you are safe now, and that I will always be fair.” She remembers those words, even now.
Zoe came to us as a mute little girl who wouldn’t – couldn’t – make decisions. We are quite a vocal family and we found that hard.
When I see her now, standing like a little madam with a hand on one hip, talking back at my husband, it makes me giggle! That quiet child is now doing her Duke of Edinburgh Award and has received Child of Achievement awards.
I think feeling secure and safe is fundamental to a foster child. Zoe may have had responsibility far above her age in early life, but she now knows that she’s cared for.
Nevertheless, some things re-surface years after a child first joins you. Zoe has some behavioural difficulties and occasionally regresses. Often her anxieties manifest in food hoarding. We think it’s because she can’t express or understand – or perhaps even realise - these anxieties inside of her that need to come out. Our agency recently suggested that Zoe may need therapeutic support for the first time since joining us. It’s easy to feel a bit of a failure, but you can’t do it all on your own.
The benefit of permanent fostering is that you can say ‘help’ to the authorities. I have had second-to-none support from my agency, including 24-hour telephone contact, emails, support groups, courses. Although my partner works, I’m a full-time foster carer, and it has also been vitally important to have good friends and family around.
Zoe’s making sense of herself and her background all the time. I think she understands my role. She is aware that she has birth parents, and that we are her carers. Zoe knows that her birth mum loves her, which we try to reinforce, but she knows that her birth mum can’t look after her. The indirect contact is infrequent and the direct contact isn’t taken up.
Even if there were direct contact, I don’t think that foster carers should get involved in that side of things. As a carer, you have to respect the birth family and not squash any contact. That can be detrimental to the child, as it can force them to choose sides. The two boys coming to join us are likely to have direct contact with their uncle, for example, which is fine with us.
A lot of my friends think of fostering as short term only, and ask me how I would feel to lose a child whom I’ve invested so much love and attention in. I have to explain that this doesn’t usually happen. With permanent fostering, you’ve got a firm basis until the child is 18 or even 21. But I can’t deny that it can happen, and the thought of parting with a child you’ve grown so fond of is heartbreaking. They’re part of your family.
Karl and I actually went through a period of insecurity when Zoe’s birth mum wanted her back. We were assessed by a psychologist, as was Zoe, and she found this very traumatic. Zoe wanted to stay with us. It was later agreed that under no circumstances should she return to her birth mum.
Zoe is beginning to think positively about her future, even down to which university she might attend, which is wonderful. She will know when she spreads her wings that she can still come to us for security, love and support, as well as go to her birth parents if she wants to. She can get the best of both worlds.
Zoe is also looking forward to the two boys joining us, and having some company again! The only condition she set was that she wanted to be the eldest and perhaps remain the only girl. Eventually, two half-brothers were matched with us.
We think our family is pretty complete now. For a start, our house physically won’t take any more children! Then again, I believe in ‘never say never’. If Karl and I are still sprightly in our sixties when Zoe and the boys have flown the nest, maybe we’ll re-assess that and open the doors again!
Zoe’s real name could not be used in this article.
Originally published in the Be My Parent newspaper in January 2008.
This article is published with the kind permission of the people involved. You may download it for your own reference but if you wish to use it for any other purpose, please contact Be My Parent for authorisation: Be My Parent, BAAF, Saffron House, 6-10 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS. Telephone: 020 7421 2666/5/4.
Last updated: 04 January 08
