“I thought children were colour blind…”
Rachel is mixed ethnicity and her husband, Peter, is white. But they had never really thought about ethnic and cultural identity and why it might be important – until their adoptive son, James, came along and surprised them all!
“I was irritated. I hadn’t really analysed it before they asked me.” Rachel is sighing as she admits that she was initially quite defensive about the idea of an ‘ethnic and cultural identity’, which was mentioned early on in the adoption process. “I think it was because the social worker was talking about my ethnic identity. As a child growing up in a multicultural area with their birth family, it wasn’t something anyone needed to promote. I believed that being mixed ethnicity was just, well…me.”
Rachel and Peter decided to adopt four years ago. They didn’t mind whether they adopted a girl or a boy, but when it came to the child’s ethnicity, even they were surprised at how strong their views were…
“We knew we wouldn’t find an exact ethnic match because I am such an interesting mix!” laughs Rachel, who is of black Caribbean, white British and European ethnicity. “But when our agency asked if we would consider a white child, we instinctively drew a line. We realised how important it was that our adopted child fitted into the family physically.”
Rachel found that physical ‘fit’ while looking through a copy of Be My Parent. She stopped turning the pages when she got to James. “There are lots of mixed ethnicity children out there, but James visually looked so much like me.” James’s birth mother is white English and his birth father black, believed to be of Caribbean descent.
Looking back on it all, Rachel cannot believe the whole thing happened so quickly. From spotting James’s profile, and making that initial enquiry, to meeting James and bringing him home, took around six weeks. Caught up in such a whirlwind, it’s little wonder that Rachel and Peter stopped thinking about ethnic and cultural identity – until James got a little older, and started challenging some of their beliefs.
“I had always assumed that very young children were colour blind, and it was society that made them more ‘colour aware’,” says Rachel. “But I watched James becoming more and more aware of his ethnicity, all by himself. Now that he’s four, he’s beginning to point out other mixed race children. He points out their hair and says it’s the same as his. And when we visit my family, who live in a more multicultural area, he points out people of a darker skin tone and says they look like his granddad. I suppose it is just a visual thing for him at the moment. But the awareness is definitely developing.”
Rachel continues: “I think it helps that James and I look alike. Our hair is the same, our eyes are alike, our skin the same colour. It presents us as a family unit and means he has someone to identify with. And he can come to me with any questions.”
Having seen how James identifies with people who look like him, the couple have made a huge effort to promote this side of his identity. They live in a predominantly white area, so they have joined a family group in a nearby town, where there are lots of children of different ethnicities for James to play with. Rachel says she has also spent a lot of time on the Internet tracking down mixed ethnicity toys, and books with mixed ethnicity characters in them.
Rachel and Peter seem as if they are doing everything in their power to develop James’s mixed heritage – but they confess that they are also doing it so his head doesn’t get too big! “Everyone where we live stops James and comments on how beautiful he is. So I encourage him to make friends with other children of mixed ethnicity so he can see he’s not that extraordinary, and there are other beautiful children like him in the world!”
Rachel does think it’s sad that people have to define themselves at all. “We don’t like to tick boxes about ourselves,” considers Rachel, reflecting on identity. “But I also know that we live in a society where labels are put on people regardless. I feel that it’s right to know who you are, where you’ve come from and where you’re going. To achieve that, I personally think it’s important for a child to be in a family who reflects or actively develops their ethnic and cultural identity. Children who are adopted or permanently fostered have enough issues without their new family being one of them in the future.”
Throughout our conversation, Rachel speaks of James with incredible love and tenderness, and she sees this attention to his ethnic and cultural identity as just one way of helping him to grow into a confident and strong young man. She doesn’t mind how James defines himself – black, white, mixed – as long as he feels secure and comfortable enough to make that choice.
“I’m giving him the tools to be whatever person he wants to be, the wherewithal to deal with everything that society throws at him. I want him to be proud of the person he is, the person he is to become – not only the person he is in the mirror.”
Sophie Offord
The family’s real names and photograph could not be used in this article.
“Reflect or actively develop”
You may have seen this expression in one of the Be My Parent profiles – a family is needed who can “reflect or actively develop” a child’s ethnic and cultural identity. You may have wondered what it meant, and whether you would still be suitable to make an enquiry. Why not take a look at our wide list of glossary terms to find out more about both this and other words and phrases used in adoption and fostering.
Originally published in the Be My Parent newspaper in March 2009.
This article is published with the kind permission of the people involved. You may download it for your own reference but if you wish to use it for any other purpose, please contact Be My Parent for authorisation: Be My Parent, BAAF, Saffron House, 6-10 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS. Telephone: 020 7421 2666/5/4.
Last updated: 30 April 10
