It’s better to know where you come from
Sometimes birth relatives can work together with a child’s adoptive or foster family to help answer some of the questions they may have about their identity: where they came from and why they ended up in their new family. One of the best ways of doing this is through contact. It is not in the best interests of every child to have contact with their birth family, but for many, maintaining those links can be incredibly important and fulfilling.
Sofia, 12, says that she found contact difficult, but ultimately helpful. “It’s better to know your parents and where you come from…I’d much rather know [my birth mother] and know what she does because all the kids should know what their parents are…instead of just being puzzled about why she had you adopted, and feeling like an alien, like out of space, like you don’t belong. If I hadn’t have known her, I’d just be really confused…”
Contact can actually help a child settle into their new family, and feel that they “belong”, by reassuring them that their birth family are, hopefully, safe and well. This is particularly true of older children who have formed strong attachments in early life, and may be ‘blaming’ themselves for the family split.
Georgie, 11, loves to write an annual letter to her birth mother. She says, “When the time comes to write, it is very exciting. We write about all our news. I love the day we get a letter back…” She also admits that the contact comforts her. “It’s important to know about her and what she is doing. It’s important not to hide your emotions because if you do some day they will all come out together and you might feel depressed.” Georgie doesn’t know her birth father, and this gap in her knowledge makes her question that half of her identity. She says that she thinks about whether her father is “in any way like me in personality”.
Yvonne says her daughter, Kathryn, was so worried that her birth mother would forget what she looked like, Yvonne sent a photo of her via the agency. Having seen how much this settled Kathryn, she has since been trying to organise indirect contact. She feels that talking and listening to Kathryn’s concerns has laid many of her anxieties to rest, and Kathryn is noticeably less rejecting.
Jo, an adoptive mother, admits that “Contact is a minefield of emotions” for everyone involved. But she does also remind carers of its importance for certain children. “What you have to remember is that you are not doing it for yourselves or for the birth family, but for the children – for their future, for their needs, and to make their passage to adulthood easier.”
Quotations and case studies from the following BAAF books:
The Colours in Me. Perlita Harris, Editor. BAAF 2008. ISBN 978 1 905664 59 7. £12.95 + p&p.
Staying Connected: managing contact arrangements in adoption. Hedi Argent, Editor. Hedi Argent & BAAF 2002. ISBN 978 1 903699 12 6. £9.95 + p&p.
Confused by anything you’ve read here? Don't know what we mean by 'direct' and 'indirect' contact? Why not take a look at our wide list of glossary terms.
Originally published in the Be My Parent newspaper in March 2009.
This article is published with the kind permission of the people involved. You may download it for your own reference but if you wish to use it for any other purpose, please contact Be My Parent for authorisation: Be My Parent, BAAF, Saffron House, 6-10 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS. Telephone: 020 7421 2666/5/4.
Last updated: 30 April 10
