Ongoing contact with foster carers - what do you think?

Responses to Gill's letter included a birth parent who was able to establish a lifelong friendship with her children’s foster carer and is now thinking of becoming a carer herself, with the plea: “Keep the birth parents in the loop and it’ll make a huge difference.”

A foster carer discovered that her views changed once she adopted two children: “We wanted them to have as normal a life as possible without too many reminders that they hadn't had a great start in life. Contact in the beginning can be beneficial but it is kinder to make it less and less frequent until the children are secure and the foster carers are secure that the children are OK.” Two other responses are published below:

My foster carers really cared for me

Mike writes: I was fostered for two and a half years when I was seven. My foster mum and dad were lovely to me, very calm and caring. They put up with a lot from me at first until I realised they really cared about me and were not just saying it. Then I settled down. They told me all along I wouldn’t be staying with them and Social Services were looking for the best new mum and dad for me.

When I was taken to meet my new mum and dad, they were all gushing about how my foster mum and dad could come and see me, and we could write to each other.

Once I went to be adopted, it all changed. I was never good enough for the couple. I had to have their name from day one, they wouldn’t let me talk about my carers or anything I’d done with them. I would come home from school and find more of my stuff I’d brought with me had ‘disappeared’. My adoptive dad was always hitting me and said it was for my own good. We had a visit from a social worker – I remember trying to tell her how unhappy I was but she just said I was lucky to be there. Their house was immaculate in a posh area... There was no love there for me.

My foster mum and dad tried to see me. I saw them coming up the drive one day and was told to go to my room. They were told I was out... I felt alone and unloved. I tried to run away a couple of times. I got such a hiding I gave up trying. I felt so bad about myself ... I left home as soon as I could and stayed with friends. I felt lost for a long time.

I saw my records a few years back, and there were letters from my foster carers and one saying they had moved. I went to their house but they’d moved again. Eventually I found my foster mum (sadly my foster dad passed away). I was scared to knock on the door at first but I needn’t have been. We talked for hours and hours. I see her once a fortnight ... and ring her up all the time. I call her Mum, because to me, she is.

I’ll never forgive Social Services for the years I spent feeling I wasn’t good enough. I can’t forgive my adopters. If my foster parents had been allowed to see me, maybe they could have done something...

I’m putting it behind me now and my mum’s helping me a lot. I’m looking to the future as I’m getting married next year. Foster parents should be allowed to have contact, especially after years of looking after you. I hope it happens.

Part of each other’s history

John Simmonds, Director of Policy, Research and Development at BAAF Adoption & Fostering, highlights the complexities of ongoing contact once a child is adopted.

There is no doubt that foster carers can make deep and enduring relationships with children, as can children with them. However short term the arrangement and however professional the carer, feelings of concern, warmth, understanding and even love are part of what being a foster carer means. Even when the child’s behaviour has been challenging, and the carer feels something of a relief when they move on, the carer will often quite naturally hope that things will get better for the child and will occasionally wonder if they have.

In view of these relationships, the question is whether foster carers should stay in contact with the children they have looked after? This is never easy, and whatever is decided, it is important for foster carers to recognise their feelings. Should these feelings be discussed with social workers? Yes, they should! Should there be a plan for continuing contact? In some situations this may be the right thing to do, and foster carers can play a very important role in helping the child move into a new placement and provide the reassurance that a known and familiar person continues to take an interest. It can also help the new carers understand the child and what they need. Whether this contact is also helpful in the longer term is another matter, which depends on carefully working out what is right for the child.

Sometimes, however, the position that children find themselves in is complex and even dangerous, and painful decisions have to be made for their longer term welfare. Even then, the choice made should be explained to both carer and child, and help given to properly talk things through.

We all find separation difficult, painful and upsetting, and we all need to grieve for people we have known and possibly have loved. We also need to stay in contact with those that we have shared important things with in the past. Both foster carers and the children they have cared for will be affected in this way – they are part of each other’s history. And whatever is right for a child in their individual circumstances, it’s crucial to recognise the strength of these feelings.

Originally published in the Be My Parent newspaper in July 2004.

This article is published with the kind permission of the people involved. You may download it for your own reference but if you wish to use it for any other purpose, please contact Be My Parent for authorisation: Be My Parent, BAAF, Saffron House, 6-10 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS. Telephone: 020 7421 2666/5/4.

Last updated: 10 September 07

Back to previous