Support, guidance and wisdom

When asked by Ken and Polly what they thought about welcoming one or two new children into the family, their four daughters – aged 21, 18, 12 and 9 – unanimously replied: “OK, but it’s got to be at least one boy!”

This greatly encouraged the couple who, for some time, had been feeling they had space to take on one or two more children. Polly says: “We were very conscious about the number of black children who needed a home, and as an African-Caribbean family, we felt we could help a black child have a good upbringing, and develop their identity.”

“We went to a few events, saw posters, looked through Be My Parent,” remembers Ken, “but felt we were not quite ready to foster at that point. Then, we had more contact with the adoption and fostering agency PACT (Parents and Children Together), and got to know more about the fostering process. We went through the assessment, and thought, we can do it, it’s a good thing to do!”

What’s helped them was being able to go at their own pace and although some of the things they were asked felt very personal and intrusive, for example, being asked about their relationship, including sex, they felt well prepared and knew what to expect. “Also,” Polly says, “we understood why they needed to find out: when a child who has had a hard start in life joins your family, they are going to do everything in their power to test you, so if your relationship is slightly rocky, it could all go pearshaped.” And Ken adds: “At every step, we’ve been asked, do you feel Adoption or permanent fostering? In their situation, with four children of their own and no need for a bigger family, Ken and Polly prefer going down the longterm fostering route, rather than considering adoption. “It was something different,” reflects Polly. “It wasn’t that we didn’t feel completed as a family. We just felt we could share our life with another child.” Ken adds: “What we appreciate with long-term fostering is the continuous support from social workers and the shared responsibility. Later, say in five years time, we might consider adopting Luke, if we are all comfortable with it.” comfortable, do you need more time? We’ve been in control.”

As well as involving their daughters, the couple also spoke to everyone in their large extended family. Polly explains: “I’m one of six brothers and sisters who all live locally and have at least four children each. We are all good parents and, as we work full time, we are responsible for all the children and share in their care, with no need to buy in babysitting. We ring round when help is needed. We live in each other’s pockets, and like it! On a Sunday there are often 20 people in the house, and we have family picnics. It’s very important to us.”

Polly adds: “We have family dotted all over the world, and we often travel to see my mother, who lives in Barbados. When one of us needs help, one phone call, and she’s on the plane! My grandmother is in Jamaica, and the children spend all their holidays in the Caribbean. And I get extra wisdom from my mum and grandmother. It’s nice to have that kind of wisdom when you are dealing with something new like welcoming a child into your family.”

Ken and Polly have just been linked with a young African-Caribbean boy, Luke (not his real name), who is nearly six. They found Luke through Be My Parent, after feeling “bombarded” with unsuitable children, too young or with too many special needs. “It felt very selfish,” says Ken, “deciding we’ll have this one and not that one.”

What mattered was that the boy should be active and fit in with their lifestyle without a great deal of adjustment. With Luke, the family felt it was right, as did their social worker. “It’s a gut feeling,” explains Ken. “Intuition, it just happens, one of those things!”

Initially, Polly will take a few months’ leave to care for Luke. Everybody in the family is excited about his arrival: “We receive millions of phone calls a day already, asking when is he coming,” says Polly, “and we’ll need to exercise some control, as it could all be rather daunting for him. Luckily, Ken comes from a small family, who are not as close, and he knows what it feels like to enter a large, noisy family. ‘I’ve been there,’ he says, ‘I’ll help’.”

As well as family, Ken and Polly have friends who will provide support and guidance, which is valuable, as often, says Polly, “Family see things one way, and friends another.” And they can also call on their wider social networks.

Religion plays a central part in the family’s life. “I am practising Church of England and go to church every Sunday,” says Polly. “We turn to our faith in times of trouble. Although Ken doesn’t go to Church regularly, I know when something is troubling him at work because he’s the first to be ready on a Sunday! It’s about belief, but also a form of comfort.” At present, Luke goes to a Baptist church, but after he joins the family, it will be his decision, as with their own children: “If he doesn’t feel comfortable with our church,” says Polly, “he could go to Baptist church, which is more lively, with people that we know.”

At this stage, Ken and Polly are still very much wondering whether they have made the right decision. Ken says: “Things are OK, but there are some remaining anxieties and only time will really tell if it will work out. It’s like before a chess tournament, you have butterflies. Once thingsactually start, you feel calmer.” He adds: “There’s no doubt a good social worker is key. When times get stressful, you have a chat. She asks you if things are going all right, and it makes you feel better!”

Polly’s postscript

The introduction period was extremely tiring both mentally and physically, so we were glad when Luke moved in. He was very excited, but there were moments of sadness too when he missed his previous carers. Once he knew that this was OK and he could talk about them, he started to settle. We’re into Week 5 now and Luke’s personality is in full view. He’s cheeky, amusing, vulnerable and yes, naughty – all a good sign that he is comfortable. There are fewer moments of missing his previous home and more moments of “I wonder if I can get away with this?” Each time Luke is told off, we worry that he’ll say he wants to leave. He hasn’t yet but we still worry. Having a boy is different too. Oh boy, the toilet seat thing…

Our youngest daughter demanded more attention for the first two weeks, but now no longer treads on egg-shells, and last week when Luke said: “I love you Mummy and I love Daddy,” we knew we did the right thing.

Contact: Sonnia Mogg, PACT Black Families Service,
7 Southern Court, South Street, Reading RG1 4QS
Telephone: 0118 938 7600 Email: sonniam@pactcharity.org

Originally published in the Be My Parent newspaper in September 2004.

This article is published with the kind permission of the people involved. You may download it for your own reference but if you wish to use it for any other purpose, please contact Be My Parent for authorisation: Be My Parent, BAAF, Saffron House, 6-10 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS. Telephone: 020 7421 2666/5/4.

Last updated: 10 September 07

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