They will always be in our lives
It’s a miracle that families are put together this way and that they can work!” says Emma, who, with her husband, adopted two children last year.
Our children arrived 14 months ago. Our daughter is now seven, and we have just celebrated our son’s fifth birthday. As a mixed-ethnicity couple – I am white and my husband is black – with our beautiful mixed-ethnicity children, people look at us and see a family, and we are proud to have made it this far. We feel like they have always been in our lives, and really cannot remember the freedom we used to have, and what we used to do with our time before they came.
People have asked, “Is it harder than you expected?” or “How does it feel?” both questions almost impossible to answer. It is brilliant when they laugh; when they get great comments from friends and teachers; to see our daughter shine when she is reading and our son so happy when he scores a goal – there’s nothing like it. But when one’s refusing to go to ded because they’re scared, or crying within two minutes of being left to ‘sleep’ because of monsters, or refusing to go to school because they like a chaotic time, you have to dig deep for the strength to stay calm and say the ‘right’ things. It’s a miracle that families are put together this way and they can work – but you have to work at it every day.
Friends with children will say, “Oh, but that’s just being a mum, mine is like that”, but only friends with adopted children will know – they are not ‘like that’. They are different and always will be, but we know that they will always be in our lives and we have to be there for them, whatever happens. You are now involved with an estranged but significant family and there is always only so much information (but no answers) you can obtain from Form Es – we can only try to imagine the many issues and challenges still to be faced, but also hope there will be a few triumphs along the way.
In the hard times you wonder how this child can make you feel so low and how they know which buttons to push. Conversely, when our daughter told me, “Mummy, I love you as if I was born in your tummy”, my heart melted, and I wished I could have had her in my tummy. Adopted children are brilliant and have to cope with far more than adults can imagine – but they need our strength, and will demand every assurance we can give…they always will.
All names have been changed.
Have you seen the Be My Parent features on children with special needs, such as attachment issues?
Originally published in the Be My Parent newspaper in September 2007.
This article is published with the kind permission of the people involved. You may download it for your own reference but if you wish to use it for any other purpose, please contact Be My Parent for authorisation: Be My Parent, BAAF, Saffron House, 6-10 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS. Telephone: 020 7421 2666/5/4.
Last updated: 11 December 07
