“They’ve adopted him as well!”
Penny was a single carer who had just been assessed to adopt. Her family and friends made up a support network that didn’t have a clue about adoption! So why does Penny now say that she couldn’t have done it without them?
“Most people assumed I was going to adopt a baby from abroad,” begins Penny, with a sigh. “Their views on adoption were about 20 years out of date! I did tell friends and family that there are lots of older children in this country who need adopting and have maybe been in the care system for two or three years. They found that really shocking. But they still couldn’t understand why I would want to adopt a child of school age!”
Penny’s friends and family were soon to discover the reality of adoption – much sooner than anyone expected. Shortly after being approved, Penny looked through the April issue of Be My Parent, which she had just subscribed to. Within a few moments, she stopped turning the pages. “This little five-year-old boy – Nathan– leapt out at me. I was very drawn to him.” Penny met Nathan’s social worker the following month, was approved at matching panel in the summer, and Nathan moved in and became part of her life forever in September 2008.
Penny feels that her support network more than rose to the occasion. “I couldn’t have done it without any of them,” she says. “Some have been ‘all-rounders’, while I’ve put others into categories: for instance, the person who is brilliant with practical support but brushes emotional things under the carpet. But every single person has played a part in helping me.”
Penny hadn’t realised quite how much people would help her – or how much she would need them. When she made the life-changing decision to adopt as a single carer, her social worker made it clear that she would need strong support networks. But Penny assumed she was exaggerating!
“I knew people who were single carers of birth children, so I thought I understood how much work it would be. But after adopting Nathan, I realised that my situation was different. Without a shadow of a doubt, you need greater support as a single adopter, as there are fewer reprieves without a partner. I really had to ask myself, ‘Who will I rely on?’”.
When asked to name the people she has relied on most, Penny doesn’t hesitate: it’s her parents and best friend, Helen. And she says the biggest gift that they have given her is time…
“I return to work in a couple of weeks – the biggest disruption of routine that Nathan has experienced since joining me. And my mum has offered to book two weeks off work to come and help me.”
“But my parents live two hours away, while Helen is here, in the same city, so her help is invaluable. I recently had tonsillitis, and Helen did the ironing for me. She also comes round for a couple of hours every Tuesday to allow me to get on with other things.”
Of course, Nathan has also needed time –time to settle and meet the important people in Penny’s life. To help prepare him before he arrived, Nathan received a ‘Book of Me’, full of pictures and information about his new family. Penny placed a framed picture of her parents in Nathan’s bedroom. She used the same washing powder as his foster carers so he would be familiar with the smell in his clothes, and bought all his favourite foods. “We did all those things that you’re supposed to do to ease and settle a child in. But it was always going to be a huge move. He was changing a whole family. He had never even been to this city before.”
Penny says that even the people very close to her can sometimes struggle to understand Nathan’s difficult early experiences. “My mum’s tried really hard to take it all in and now knows about attachment difficulties and things like that. But it distresses my dad to think that anything horrible happened to Nathan in the past, so he just sweeps those things under the carpet.”
Penny’s voice grows quieter. “They still manage to support me emotionally. Nathan has therapy every week with the Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services (CAMHS), which really affects us both. I wouldn’t talk about that kind of thing to everyone – but I know that I can drip-feed details to Helen and my parents, on a need-to-know basis, and they will be there for us.”
It sounds like Penny’s support network is now very much Nathan’s too! “He’s slotted into our family so quickly. He desperately wanted a new mummy and family, so he absolutely loves being here. It also helps that Nathan is a gregarious boy who is very easy to love.”
Penny knows that there are likely to be tough times ahead. She knows that she will continue to rely very much on the people around her for support. But Penny doesn’t think that prospective single carers should be put off by this. Nor should they worry that their support network may not be big enough to adopt. Penny is keen to point out that it is usually a small group of people who prove themselves the most, and the ‘little things’ that make the biggest difference…
“It’s been a journey,” laughs Penny, with understatement. “It’s been a journey for Nathan, for me, for all of us – we’re on this journey together and we are certainly closer because of it. I now know that you don’t adopt on your own –your support network adopts as well.”
Read Penny's best friend's story...
Sophie Offord
All names have been changed to protect confidentiality
Read more about becoming an adoptive or foster parent...
Originally published in the Be My Parent newspaper in July 2009.
This article is published with the kind permission of the people involved. You may download it for your own reference but if you wish to use it for any other purpose, please contact Be My Parent for authorisation: Be My Parent, BAAF, Saffron House, 6-10 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS. Telephone: 020 7421 2666.
Last updated: 03 July 09
