Third time lucky…

Phillipa and I made the decision to adopt about seven years ago. Like many adopters, we originally tried IVF, but after a while decided to look into adoption. Unfortunately, we didn’t get a very good response when we approached our local authority, but we realised there were other options, and when we contacted Barnardo’s they seemed very caring and willing to look at us as individuals.

From initially contacting our agency to adopting our children it took three years. Our social worker was completely honest with us about how difficult it would be, and yes, it was a tough and occasionally intrusive process.

When it was time to go to panel in Summer 2004, we were very nervous. No matter how many times our social worker assured us that the vast majority of people who go to panel are approved, we didn’t feel confident at all; there were still some nagging doubts in our minds. When we got there we were told that the panel was inquorate, which means that there weren’t enough members to make a recommendation. We decided to go in and sit through the panel anyway, but in retrospect it might have been better to turn around and go home because it was very nerve-racking and we still had to do it all again with the full panel.

A month later we had our panel again, this time for real. Our social worker talked us through what would happen, and was very supportive, and when we arrived the Chair of the panel spoke to us about what to expect. We were well prepared and knew who would be on the panel, but it was still unnerving when we walked through the door and saw all these faces staring at us. The panel members went over all of the issues that had come up during our assessment and asked some quite unexpected questions, which we dealt with OK.

Then, feeling a mixture of excitement and trepidation, we went back home to wait. When we got the call to say we had been approved we were unbelievably excited and thought “That’s it, we’re going to have children at last!” But then we realised that there was another very challenging process ahead of us, as we waited to be matched.

As an older couple, the age range of children that we would consider adopting got stretched up during our assessment, and then panel went even higher and recommended an age range of five to ten years. This was much older than we had first considered but, looking back now, I think we may have been too focused on age. We also said we’d like to adopt up to three children, but the panel only recommended up to two. In hindsight, I think this was for the best: the advantage of panel is that they can rein you in and save you from your own over-confidence. We are happy with the outcome and have found that adopting older children is incredibly rewarding.

After we were approved, Barnardo’s was very pro-active on our behalf, although as any newly-approved adopter will confirm, you sit there thinking no-one is doing anything and nothing is happening, because it’s all going on behind the scenes. Meanwhile, we asked our social worker to put our names on the Adoption Register and took out a subscription to Be My Parent.

Barnardo’s found a possible match, but much to our disappointment we went through the entire matching process only to be turned down at panel. It was decided that we couldn’t meet the children’s specific medical needs. We were devastated, as we felt we had begun to bond with the children and had met their carers and teachers. We needed space and time to get over this setback; I suppose we were grieving in a way. Thankfully, while all this was going on, Barnardo’s continued to look for a match for us, and soon we were preparing for panel again. Our linking panel was held in September 2004 and was the third time we had mentally prepared for panel. We didn’t know much about the girls before we went to panel because their local authority was reluctant to give out information. We read their Form E (Child’s Permanence Report) and met with their carers and teachers, but we didn’t get to see a photo of them.

Barnardo’s encourage their adopters to attend their own matching panels, but our panel was held by the local authority which was looking after the girls, so we weren’t invited to attend. If I were to advocate for a change it would be to allow adopters to attend their matching panel. I believe that panel would get a more accurate picture of a child’s prospective new family if they actually met and talked with them face-to-face.

Panel always takes longer than you expect and you’re sitting there anxiously wondering what is going on. When the match was approved, we felt very excited and very nervous. We’d spent the last few years concentrating on the processes, always focusing on getting to the next step and over the next hurdle, then suddenly it was full steam ahead and everything began moving very quickly. After a series of introductions, we were thrilled when our youngest was with us by Christmas and our oldest by the following February.

I would advise prospective adopters to have perseverance and be prepared for challenges, difficulties and perhaps disappointments along the way. But I can assure anybody that if you can keep going, it’s all worth it when you get to the other end and you have your children.

All names have been changed.

Originally published in the Be My Parent newspaper in July 2007.

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Last updated: 05 December 07

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