A lot of chaos and a lot of joy

“We wanted to have lively kids,” shouts Frances – as three friendly boys, just back from school, dart around the room, scattering homemade catapults, toolkits, games and gadgets, and chatting excitedly. “There’s a lot of chaos but also a lot of joy: more joy than I had even imagined.”

Frances and Rob adopted Jack, Harry and Thomas, now aged 10, 8 and 7, in Summer 2007. But when they first started thinking about adopting a couple of years ago, they had never imagined that they would end up being the proud parents of three brothers.

“I thought that more than two children would be madness!” says Frances. “And a boy and a girl seemed like the standard combination. As for age range, we imagined 18 months to three years. We didn’t really know, but you put down those sorts of numbers anyway.” The couple look around, at how differently life worked out.

Frances and Rob started searching for the children that would complete their family in early 2007. They looked through family-finding publications separately, so as not to influence the other’s decision, but Frances soon noticed something strange. “We kept picking pairs of brothers, and usually older than the age range we’d expected. We were just drawn to those kinds of groups – perhaps because I was a tomboy as a child and Rob is still very much a boy at heart! And the older children just looked like such fun.”

After their third month of doing this, an issue of Be My Parent came through with Jack, Harry and Thomas in it. Frances remembers the moment vividly. “I saw those three boys and I thought, ‘Wow, they look like wonderful kids with so much energy and enthusiasm, ready to fly off in all directions’. But it seemed impossible as there were three of them. I looked at that profile again and again. I found myself leaving the paper open at that page. And Rob was doing the same.”

When Frances and Rob asked for extra information about the children, it seemed that there was no turning back. “The more we read, the more we became convinced that these were the children we were destined to have in our lives – and their being three of them was a bonus!”

Once the couple decided to go for it, friends, family, even their social worker, thought that they might be biting off more than they could chew. But Rob reckons his upbringing might have affected his view of what they were taking on. “I’m one of six children, so I thought it would be easy. Even though that logic was based on being at the receiving end of parenting, not the other way round!”

When Jack, Harry and Thomas moved in with the family last summer, there were a few challenging months of helping them settle into their new life. “At first they couldn’t entertain themselves. It was very intense.” However, the couple do not think that it was necessarily harder because there were three of them, or they were older. “It’s always hard work in the early stages,” considers Rob. “You’re changing your lifestyle and getting used to each other.”

Instead, Frances and Rob believe that adopting three older boys was a help. “Being more mature, they had a better understanding. If the boys are unhappy, they can put that into words – not very sophisticated words, but you get some sort of handle on the situation. You can reason with them, explain things and talk with them.”

Frances and Rob do not shy away from some of the difficulties of adopting older children. They talk about imagining what it would be like to have shared more of their childhood. And they certainly don’t want to make life with three busy, boisterous boys sound rose-tinted. “They’ve tried pushing all the buttons. We still have to count to 10 sometimes, there’s still a lot of ‘naughty step’. It hasn’t been, and won’t always be, plain sailing.”

Because the boys are older, though, Frances and Rob believe they had a better idea of what their needs were going to be, and there were fewer uncertainties. This meant they could be more prepared, and access the right sort of support in advance. And Frances and Rob admit that they were very lucky with the support from their agency, the Catholic Children’s Society, which they found especially invaluable when adopting a sibling group of three.

Frances and Rob think that the boys’ main support has been each other. “They were new in the house but numerically we were the strangers,” says Rob. The boys have their shared history and memories, both good and bad, which has given them continuity. “There can be rivalry and spats, and their perception sometimes is that they ‘hate’ each other! But it’s obvious that having each other is a tremendous reassurance. It’s the only constant and stable thing that they’ve had in their lives.”

There is evidence of their relationship as siblings within moments of meeting them. Jack, Harry and Thomas play with one another, tease, squabble and chatter with each other. Frances reels off the many things they all like doing: junk modelling, playing at knights and pirates, sporty things like football and climbing mountains. But she is also keen to point out that the boys have very individual personalities and needs, which the couple try to respond to and nurture.

“Jack’s a bright boy who is very linear in his thinking. Harry’s very popular, a bit of a social whirl. He’s a bundle of emotions. Tom’s my ‘little philosopher’. He asks questions like, ‘How do you get to be an old man?’. When he had his last birthday, he was wondering why his face hadn’t changed!”

Seeing the boys dash around the house, it is clear that this is now very much ‘home’. In fact, a sense of ‘home’ hits you as soon as you walk in: from the warmth of the open fire, to the smell of the homemade scones, to the vegetables being grown in the garden, which Harry proudly points out. “I’m a gardener!” he whoops. And it’s not only the sweetcorn and potatoes that are doing well. The boys are growing in leaps and bounds – physically, as well as emotionally. “Jack’s gone up five shoe sizes since he joined us just over a year ago!” laughs Frances.

The couple fall over themselves to say such things, and to talk about the endless rewards of raising their sons. Frances thinks she has found the whole experience more gratifying because the boys are that little bit older. “What I enjoy – what I find really fascinating – is watching these ‘little people’ evolve into ‘big people’. The challenge and fun is helping them find their niche, potential and place in life. Seeing the boys learn how to do things and develop strengths is really exciting, and with older children, you can get straight into that.”

Frances and Rob are keen to tell their story because Jack, Harry and Thomas’s could have turned out so differently. The boys’ agency spent two years trying to find them a ‘forever family’. Before the couple made that fateful phone call, there was even talk of splitting them. Frances and Rob’s greatest hope is that more families will start thinking about adopting older boys and sibling groups: “We’re so aware that there are other kids out there, languishing and not getting the care they should have. Every child deserves a chance.”

Jack, Harry and Thomas on being brothers…

Harry: We’re entertainment!
Tom: Sometimes though…annoyingness.
Harry: You’re getting friends.
Jack: You’ll have someone to play with…to do things with.
Tom: Like running!
Jack: Building, playing. Being creative.
Tom: I like to build swords. And shields.
Jack: And catapults.
Tom: Slingshots. Crossbows.
Harry: We make that stuff out of wood.
Tom: It’s nice being brothers.
Jack: I’m making a trebuchet.
Harry: I got one of these when I was adopted. (Shows a silver cup with name ingrained.)
Jack: A lot of people came to our adoption party at the weekend. (The family had recently received their adoption order.)
Harry: I’ve got another party this Saturday! I’ve got lots of parties coming up! I’ve got a swimming party and a disco party.
Rob (Dad): He gets more invitations to parties than anyone I know. Five thousand people live in this village and everyone knows Harry!
Harry: I’m really famous!
Jack: You’re not famous!
Harry: Yes, I am, Jack!

Sophie Offord

You can also read Adopting boys, an article written by Rob, about how he’ll never forget the moment he became a Dad to his three boys.

Originally published in the Be My Parent newspaper in November 2008.

This article is published with the kind permission of the people involved. You may download it for your own reference but if you wish to use it for any other purpose, please contact Be My Parent for authorisation: Be My Parent, BAAF, Saffron House, 6-10 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS. Telephone: 020 7421 2666/5/4.

Last updated: 07 January 09

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