A marathon, not a sprint!

While waiting for a child, Jackie and Simon haven't put their lives on hold and are enjoying their time as a couple.

While we knew it would take time, we really thought we would get a child sooner,” says Jackie, and looking back, she feels their expectations about finding a child were all wrong, in spite of a lot of research and social services preparation.

“Of course, no one can really prepare you for the waiting, but it wasn’t enough,” she says. “What made things worse was that we were sent to see a couple who had just adopted a 5-month-old boy, and in their case, everything had been rushed through. We came away thinking, this is brilliant.” Later they asked their social services department not to raise the hopes of prospective adopters in this way, and feel that they really took their concerns on board.

The couple have a very good relationship with their social worker and consider her a friend – having lots of contact with her is a big help. However, Jackie does get very frustrated with the system and feels that the whole process just takes too long. Their social services department, like many others, will try and place their looked-after children first, and so ask their families not to look elsewhere for a six-month period. This can become nine months if an agency is part of a consortium of agencies. Therefore, Jackie and Simon couldn’t look in other places, such as Be My Parent, as they would have liked to.

Social services did put their name down for the National Adoption Register, which links children and families in England, but without any results yet.
Jackie strongly feels that adoption agencies should be talking to each other more in order to find families for their children, and if the search could have been made as wide as possible from the beginning, perhaps they would have been linked with a child by now.

However, Jackie realises that the whole experience has helped her to become a very patient person. “You need to learn to hold fire,” she says. “Otherwise you can make yourself ill with it all. The right child will be there!”

Being able to look for a child alongside their social worker makes Jackie and Simon feel very positive. Their social worker works part time, so Jackie is happy to make enquiries about children in Be My Parent. They also send out flyers about themselves to all adoption agencies, and although she knows they are inundated with flyers, this too gives them some hope. Jackie has learned to be as proactive as possible.

When the couple noticed the Families’ Profiles section in Be My Parent, they saw it as another step they could take. “As I’m in PR, I thought, I could do some PR for us! We could go in there too,” Jackie says. “So we talked to our social worker and with her agreement, went ahead.” Although this section is occasional and families are advised that nothing may come of it, Jackie and Simon still thought it would be worth a try. Sadly, they didn’t get any enquiries, but being featured in Be My Parent still came in very useful when they enquired about a child in a recent issue.

The child’s social worker was able to read the couple’s profile and so find out more about them quickly! And in fact they’ve been shortlisted for that child – one of four families – but they know they need to keep their feet on the ground and try not to get too excited. If nothing comes of it, Jackie admits they will be disappointed, but at the same time, would accept it as part of the learning curve.

Preparing for the arrival of a child into your home while trying to carry on with your own life can be tricky, and Jackie and Simon have tried to balance this. They have organised their home and work so that, while they are ready for a child to move in, they haven’t put their lives on hold and are enjoying their time together as a couple. Jackie knows that it’s vital for them to stay strong. She has also found that yoga has helped to keep her focused, as well as reading the articles in Be My Parent.

Jackie is aware that there are other hurdles ahead once they begin to be linked with a child, for example, the adoption may be contested, and so she has become very aware of the need to pace yourself. “The adoption process is a bit like running a marathon – it’s not a sprint,” she says. “At the beginning you’re all energised and really keep going, but you can get to a point where you feel you can’t go on. Then you get a second wind and keep going, all the while thinking, I can do this. We’re doing this for a good reason – to be a family.”

Interview by Suzanne Harding.

Originally published in the Be My Parent newspaper in March 2004.

This article is published with the kind permission of the people involved. You may download it for your own reference but if you wish to use it for any other purpose, please contact Be My Parent for authorisation: Be My Parent, BAAF, Saffron House, 6-10 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS. Telephone: 020 7421 2666/5/4.

Last updated: 10 September 07

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