Be proactive, get support, keep learning...

We’d been fostering for many years and decided that the time was right to provide a permanent placement and stable family unit to a group of siblings. As foster carers we’d seen so many groups of brothers and sisters separated and it just broke my heart. I absolutely hate the thought of siblings not staying together so we were delighted when we were matched with a group of three sisters.

While we were waiting to find a possible match, we wondered how we could speed the process up. Like others I know, our social worker was very busy and not all that proactive in terms of scouring family-finding publications and websites for us. So we subscribed to Be My Parent and even had our family profile on the website. In the end we decided to leave our local authority and go to an independent agency. The agency is wonderful, very supportive, and I would say it’s important you are confident in your agency and your social worker.

The best advice I can give families about to be matched is to get as much information as you can about the children’s history. It’s important that you know essential background facts about their past experiences and any special needs, attachment issues and behavioural difficulties. It’s good to know about their likes and dislikes too so you can build up a picture of their personality. This will also help when it comes to introductions. Make sure you ask lots and lots of questions and don’t worry about overwhelming the children’s social worker, ours was impressed we were so well prepared!

We also had many questions about contact. We wanted to determine the proposed plans for contact at an early stage, and we’re really glad we did. I would say find out all you can, and what is and isn’t negotiable. You must be realistic. Direct contact four times a year when you live three hours away from the child’s birth family may initially seem possible, but might turn out to be really hard going on everyone involved.

As the girls were a slightly older group of three with a number of issues, we were worried we would not be chosen. So when we met with their social worker we told her exactly why we wanted to permanently foster the girls. We said we knew it would be hard and that we wouldn’t always have the answers but that we would work through the problems as they arose. Although we were desperate to be matched with the girls, we knew that, whatever our feelings, what was best for the children came first.

After the girls came to live with us we had lots of new questions, for instance about life-story work. I think it is very important for adopted and fostered children to have life-story books, and we are helping our girls keep theirs up to date. Our girls know they were featured in Be My Parent and they remember what they wore when they had their photos taken. We will tell them more when the time is right.

Along the way I have found myself wanting more knowledge in certain areas. After asking our agency about training, I went on a number of really useful courses and, even now that we have the girls, I’m still learning. Recently I attended a course of therapeutic training, which will help me no end to support the girls as they come to terms with their experiences. Courses are great, but I feel the most important thing is to speak to our children. We talk to them, listen to them, and try to find out how they feel.

Books were another thing I found invaluable. You can never read too much! As well as books that BAAF or our agency have recommended, there are a lot of real-life stories out at the moment that deal with similar issues to those that children in care have experienced.

My advice to others would be: “Do not go into adoption or fostering lightly”. Give it a lot of consideration and talk to your immediate and wider family, including your birth children if you have any, as well as your friends. Try to prepare them as best as you can and tell them as much as you are able to about the child or sibling group you are adopting or fostering, without going into anything that’s confidential. Finally, get as much support as you can from your agency, other organisations and friends and family. Becoming an adopter or permanent foster carer is a very big step but it’s worth it!

Useful resources for adopter and foster carers
Information and recruitment events in your area
BAAF books and publications

Where to find support

If you need some free advice on adoption or fostering why not call your local BAAF advice line?

Southern England: 020 7421 2671/3
Central and Northern England: 0870 241 0663
Northern Ireland: (028) 90315 494
Wales: Cardiff: 029 2076 1155
Rhyl: 01745 336 336
Scotland: 0131 220 4749

There are many other organisations that you could contact for support and advice, including:

• Adoption UK or 0844 848 7900
• Fostering Network or 0800 040 7675
• After Adoption or 0800 0 568 578

Adoption UK and After Adoption have online forums where you can chat to other adopters and foster carers for advice and support.

Originally published in the Be My Parent newspaper in March 2008.

This article is published with the kind permission of the people involved. You may download it for your own reference but if you wish to use it for any other purpose, please contact Be My Parent for authorisation: Be My Parent, BAAF, Saffron House, 6-10 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS. Telephone: 020 7421 2666/5/4.

Last updated: 03 March 08

Back to previous