Different but the same...
Sibling relationships are not always straightforward or easy. Whether their new brother or sister has grown in their ‘mummy’s tummy’, or is adopted or fostered, the children already in the family will have to deal with many changes and readjustments. Some rivalry is to be expected, but how different is it if their new sibling is not related by birth? Here, children tell us what it is like for them to have adopted brothers or sisters...
Just a member of the family is a film which features a number of birth children from families who have adopted a child or group of children, and talk with a lot of honesty about what it was like for them. All of the children in the film were involved in the process right from the start, with their parents discussing adoption with them in a way that was appropriate for their age. They were also part of the assessment process and spent time speaking with the social worker and, depending on their age, taking part in role play:
“It’s nice having [the social worker] come round because you can find out more about the child that’s coming.”
“We got to know our family a lot better… We got a lot stronger.”
Some of the older children talk about how they enjoyed helping to prepare a book about their family, with photographs and stories, which was used to introduce themselves to their new sibling.
On the day when they finally met their new brother or sister, the children felt a mixture of excitement and anxiety:
“It’s like you fall in love with the kids that come to the house, really. If you get to know them really well, it’s real good.”
“It was really, like, nice. I remember… me giving her a teddy bear that was a lot bigger than her and her having a present ready for me too. I thought it was really exciting, I wanted to get home and play with her.”
“It was nerve-racking… not knowing what to say... How they would say it. ’Cause we come from a different area with a different accent – being able to understand her.”
What the children thought of their new sibling moving in seemed to depend on how old they were, and whether they already had brothers and sisters:
“You’ve got to learn to share more things… just get them to fit in with you, really… It’s fun finding out how they react to you and that. Sharing wasn’t difficult because I’ve already got two brothers. I’d already learnt how to share.”
But for this young man, the adjustment was trickier:
“I spent 18 years of my life being an only child… When I come home now… I have my sister who wants my attention. So it’s very difficult when you want that bit of space, and when you’ve been used to that space, to someone else… just ‘being there’, being part of the family.”
Being older, however, he had a better awareness of his sister’s history and background:
“I don’t understand what she’s been through. I can imagine, but I don’t know. There are certain things I don’t want to say just in case... When it comes to telling her off, I wouldn’t want to shout… At first I didn’t feel like I could. It’s finally getting now [to] where I can tell her off if she has done something wrong. I don’t feel like she’s going to turn round and run away.”
Another little boy clearly felt jealousy and anger about the arrival of his new adopted sister, and expressed it creatively. He drew a picture of himself standing at the top of a mountain, with his sister appearing to fall through the air, possibly pushed by him! His parents explain how they used the picture at the time to discuss his feelings.
But jealousy doesn’t always come where it is expected. A couple describe how surprised they were that their adopted daughter felt threatened by their birth daughter, and how competitive and defiant she was, making it difficult for the two girls to play together. Their birth daughter found this hard and felt quite angry. Her parents helped her manage her feelings by explaining that sometimes they felt angry too .
Despite the rivalry and the occasional feelings of anger, all families describe their experience of adoption as a positive one, and the children echo this:
“We get the experience of other children, and what their background was like before they came to us. Sometimes it’s hard work if they end up in hospital ill or anything, but most of the time they’re so much fun and they’re just really good friends.”
“Having someone to care for and look after
and be their role model… it makes you feel really proud. He might say stuff but you know he don’t mean it… you help him grow out of that.”
“It’s a lot different than you think it will be like. He becomes part of the family and it feels so right… he fits in…”
The young man who became a brother at the age of 18 also describes feeling enriched by the arrival of his sister:
“It’s not easy… but it’s very rewarding… it’s someone you can share what your parents are like, have a good joke with, someone you can feel you can look after, because if you’ve been an only child, you’ve only looked after yourself. It’s just nice to share, share what you’ve had with your parents with someone else.”
So are adopted siblings ‘different’ from birth siblings? This is what a young girl says about her adopted brother:
“You don’t think, ‘oh, he’s adopted’. You don’t think about stuff like that… that he wasn’t there from the beginning. He may get upset but he plays and laughs and everything. He’s just a member of the family.”
The children’s quotes and stories of adoption in this article are extracted with kind permission from “Just a member of the family” (© Bridget Betts, 2005), a DVD produced by Bridget Betts and Robin Ball available from BAAF Publications
What about foster brothers or sisters?
Adopted children will become legally part of the family, sharing their surname, and, after the child has been placed, social workers’ visits will fade away, leaving everyone to get on with becoming a family.
This won’t be the case for children who are permanently fostered. They will see their social worker every few months, a regular reminder that they are not quite like their siblings (whether by birth or adoption), and also a cause of potential uncertainty and anxiety – for instance changing social worker and having to build a new relationship with them.
They are also more likely to have contact with members of their birth family, and have to manage that dual relationship with both their birth and foster family.
Originally published in the Be My Parent newspaper in May 2008.
This article is published with the kind permission of the people involved. You may download it for your own reference but if you wish to use it for any other purpose, please contact Be My Parent for authorisation: Be My Parent, BAAF, Saffron House, 6-10 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS. Telephone: 020 7421 2666/5/4.
Last updated: 02 May 08
