From this day on...

But some find the day of the adoption hearing a little nerve-wracking too – especially as it is held in a court, with all its stuffy associations. Gary, who adopted his two boys when they were 7 and 8, with his partner, Matthew, says that everyone felt stressed and emotional in the days leading up to the event. “To be honest (and I’m sure it’s quite normal), we questioned whether we were doing the right thing, as the previous months had been very challenging.”

“The boys were very aware that, once the adoption order was completed, they were secure and wouldn’t be going anywhere. After so many moves and foster parents, it wasn’t surprising that they wanted this. But I think the eldest had mixed feelings too: sadness about what he was leaving behind, and anger that his life had gone this way – even though he was happy with us.”

Others do not feel so apprehensive. Michael and Frances adopted their three boys, now 11, 9 and 8, a little over two years ago. It’s easy to detect Michael’s delight when he talks about the end of all their waiting. “The date marked a line between the past and the future. The symbolism was not lost on anyone – even the children. They treated the entire process like a big adventure and this was the treasure at the end of it.”

To help your child find this ‘treasure’, with as little worry as possible, try to prepare them for what will happen on the day, and what it all means. Your social worker should be involved, helping to fill in the gaps and keep you relaxed. They will be there with you on the day, and you can bring along other people for support, as long as you let the court know in advance.

There is no need to fret about the formality of the setting – you are not there to be sentenced and thrown into prison! Things will be kept ‘light’ and you’ll only be asked a few simple questions. It will not be the judge’s intention to make anyone feel uneasy or anxious. In fact, all the families I spoke to told tales of friendly judges who let the children wear their wigs, hammer their gavels, and bring the court to attention! You may also want to read about what Judge Plumstead, a judge for almost 20 years, does on adoption days in her court...

Laurel makes it sound like her day at court was an absolute riot, filled to the brim with family members and friends. She and her husband adopted two little girls, Amber and Emily, separately, but in the same year. “The judge said she’d never seen so many people at Emily’s adoption hearing. Two friends came with a huge bunch of flowers. They had lived through our adoption anxieties and excitement, and were determined to be there at our most important moment. It is a strange environment, though, and when we came out, a group waiting for (what looked like) a criminal hearing, saw us and commented, ‘It looks like a bloomin’ wedding’! It was an odd place to be so happy!”

Susie and her husband have two birth children and one adopted daughter, Jessica, now 14. Casting her mind back, Susie remembers that “the judge was lovely, really relaxed and informal. He asked Rory [Jessica’s brother by adoption], ‘So what do you think of your little sister?’ He replied, “I’d rather have had a brother’!”

Once the adoption hearing has passed, you may find yourself riding a tidal wave of emotions. For some, there is a sense of anti-climax; for others, just relief. Many are overjoyed that social work involvement in their lives is no longer a requirement, and only there if they ask for it.

Michael remembers this moment with enthusiasm. “It felt as if we had crossed over into a new world, a world where the past didn’t cling to your every action, where your judgement wasn’t second-guessed by everyone in authority – a new place, a new beginning. Our social workers continued to have contact with us, but on a much lessened scale, and only when we needed them or had questions.”

Laurel agrees. “It felt great when it was all over! For us, the day marked a break from social services and social workers, from intrusion and judgement. It was – finally – the moment of being able to be completely ourselves, our family, on our terms and for our interests only.”

However, not everyone’s experience is positive. Gary says the post-adoption support has not been what he expected. “I find it very upsetting and sad that we are still fighting for support for two very demanding small boys. We’ve had no contact from our local authority at all and very little from the boys’ agency.”

Every agency is different and so is every child. However, all social workers should be able to strike a difficult but necessary balance between being there for you if needed, and letting you get on with being a family, just like any other. Your agency will have outlined an ‘adoption support plan’ when you were first matched with your child: this will make clear what support is available to you, both before and after the adoption order, which you can comment on and will have to agree on before the match goes ahead. However, circumstances change, and you, your adopted child, or any of your other children, are entitled to another assessment of your adoption support needs. You should not feel alone!

Just like everyone feels differently about the degree of post-adoption support, so people feel differently about whether to ‘mark’ the adoption day in years to come. Lots of things can influence a family’s decision, from the age of the child when adopted, to just personal preference. Michael and Frances decided not to celebrate the event as an anniversary because the family was ready to ‘move on’. “It feels so natural for the children to be here, almost as if they’ve been with us all their lives. Birthdays and everything else seems to take precedence,” explains Michael.

Gary, meanwhile, feels it is important to mark it. “We make a point of taking time to talk about all our anniversaries and significant days. The boys take comfort in us now having done two of everything – two Easters, two birthdays, two Father’s Days, two Christmases, and so on. This has been important to them as they never got to do two of anything with their foster parents, as they moved so many times. The one remaining ‘two’ to reach is the second anniversary of being a family. It’s a real achievement for us all.”

Perhaps this is because Gary’s two young boys displayed some challenging behaviours before the day itself, prompted by meeting their grandmother and finding out that they had a younger sibling. For them, the adoption day anniversary is happy and sad all at once. Gary celebrates the day to remind them of the positives: that they are in a loving, secure and permanent family. It all sounds a little like a couple ‘renewing’ their wedding vows – a small but symbolic gesture to keep showing togetherness and commitment.

Celebrating the event – and especially celebrating it in the same way or in the same place – can be very important for children, as Isabelle Rameau, Editor of Be My Parent, explains in ‘The importance of rituals’. But there is no right or wrong way, and you may, like Michael, decide to focus on other senses of ‘occasion’, rather than the date of the adoption order.

Whatever you decide, it is well worth doing something to make the day stand out as something special. For instance, Michael and Susie, and their respective partners, feel that it helped that everyone dressed up smartly. Days off school also make the day feel unique (read James’s account of his adoption day), as that’s usually a ‘no-no’. All the families I spoke to went out for lunch afterwards, often with social workers in tow, to indicate an end to the process.

Michael and Frances threw an adoption party later that week (see right), with cake, friends and family, and they gave engraved tankards to the boys as keepsakes. Susie and her family went on to have a picnic at the zoo.

Doing something a bit ‘different’ not only recognises that the day is something to celebrate, but it gives you shared ground. Even if the child you adopt is too young to remember the day itself, they will take great delight, over the years, in seeing all the photos and hearing you tell the same anecdotes. Susie points out that every time they visit the zoo, Jessica still asks about that special day, even though she was only a year old at the time. “Although we don’t celebrate the ‘day’ itself, I think it’s important to keep the memory alive and offer Jessica regular opportunities to discuss it. It amazes me what questions it can encourage, and how they have changed over the years.”

Don’t worry too much in advance about how you mark the day, whether you mark it, and all the legal nitty-gritty that it involves. Instead, concentrate on how you will feel, and your child will feel, when all your perseverance and patience pays off. The day should only be ‘formal’ in the sense that it is significant; a true celebration of all you’ve achieved. Not only is it a celebration of your past, and what led you here, but it is a celebration of your future. From this day on, you are, legally, formally, a family. This is something that Laurel really confirms when she tells me what the day meant to her: “When our children do their family trees at school, I want them to be proud that they have two. We’ll always tell them about their birth families, but the adoption hearing was the date that our own family finally put down its last roots.”

Sophie Offord
Some names have been changed to protect confidentiality.

Related features:

• "It's jolly good fun!"

• The importance of rituals

Originally published in the Be My Parent newspaper in March 2010.

This article is published with the kind permission of the people involved. You may download it for your own reference but if you wish to use it for any other purpose, please contact Be My Parent for authorisation: Be My Parent, BAAF, Saffron House, 6-10 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS. Telephone: 020 7421 2666.

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Last updated: 04 May 10

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