Getting people ‘on side’

“These sessions are incredibly useful – the feedback says it all.” Mary reads off some recent comments from evaluation forms: “‘I feel better able to support my son.’ ‘It’s helped me to understand things better.’ ‘An extremely useful insight into a very complex area.’” She pauses and then continues: “There’s more if you’d like to hear them…”

Do we get the message yet? Just what is Portsmouth Council doing that is receiving such warm and generous praise? The answer is a Wider Family Support Group – a one-off information session for the friends and family of prospective adopters, run by Mary and a colleague who is an adoption social worker.

Mary clarifies how it’s mostly grandparents who attend the group, but anyone offering support is welcome. “A couple at the last session brought eight people, and that included aunties, cousins and friends. We’ve even had birth children come along, especially teenagers. They want to know what adoption will involve, and how they can support their parents.”

Mary explains how the group began from a few isolated incidents of what she tactfully calls ‘grandparent issues’: situations where grandparents were having various difficulties with supporting their own children as they tried to adopt a child. It seemed beneficial for everyone if social workers from Portsmouth could have one-to-one, informal meetings with those grandparents, to give them information and answer the questions that they might not feel comfortable asking anyone else. This eventually led to the Wider Family Group, which is still going strong, nearly three years later.

“We are giving these people a platform”, says Mary. “At the beginning of the group we discuss the kind of questions they have, the issues they would like to deal with, and their expectations for the morning.” Mary tells me the session doesn’t follow a particular ‘format’, but that they try and present the information as creatively as possible. For example, the steps to adoption are laid out as stepping stones, and a BAAF video is usually shown to break up the talking.

So what do people usually ask about? “Contact, life story work, memory boxes – the importance of all of these. Family members and friends haven’t worked through issues in the assessment process, like the prospective adopters. For example, they don’t understand why we let birth parents who have neglected their children have any contact with them at all. We try and show how it can be useful for children in later life – it helps with their identity, and can answer niggling questions that arise.”

“Wider family members may also have concerns about the sort of challenges that adoptive children are going to present. That one is harder to answer, as it is very subjective. We talk about the likely behaviour of a child who has been in the care system, and highlight how they will need different parenting to a birth child. We have to be honest – these children have been through the mill and are probably going to have difficulties.”

“But,” asserts Mary. “We’re not here to scare them off. We’re here to reassure them! We let them know that the prospective adopter will not be left to fend for themselves. Once the family adopts, they can hopefully work through any difficulties with the help that they will get, both from us and from them, their support network.”

Mary goes on to discuss the introductory period, and how family and friends are often unsure how they can best support a family when a child has just joined them. She assures the Wider Family Group that, although they might need to give the carers and their child some space in the first few weeks, just letting them know that they are there is enough, even if it’s at the end of a phone. And, sometimes, practical help, like filling the freezer, can be just as welcome as helping emotionally!

Mary agrees that the Wider Family Group has been a big success so far, and if resources were not an issue, she would expand it even further. “I think it would be good to hold a similar session two or three months after a child’s been placed,” she says. “At that point, people can be more specific about what is and isn’t working. They can talk about how the reality fits in with their early expectations.”

Portsmouth isn’t alone in offering this kind of information group to a family’s support network. Many independent agencies, and a few local authorities, are getting on board too. If you are reading this and know people who would benefit, why not ring up your agency and find out if they hold something similar?

Mary says that in an ideal world, every agency would offer this kind of support group. “These people need to be better informed and more aware of what they’re signing up to,” she insists. “We need them on side. The adopters need them on side. It can only be a good thing for everyone.”

She continues: “Historically, people’s support networks disappear quite quickly once a child is placed and things start to get difficult. We’re here to make sure that friends and family have access to the information that helps them best support the adopters at every stage. We believe that forewarned is forearmed.”

For more information about Portsmouth’s Wider Family Group, call 023 9287 5294

Read more about the type of preparation, training and support you can expect from your agency...

Originally published in the Be My Parent newspaper in July 2009.

This article is published with the kind permission of the people involved. You may download it for your own reference but if you wish to use it for any other purpose, please contact Be My Parent for authorisation: Be My Parent, BAAF, Saffron House, 6-10 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS. Telephone: 020 7421 2666.

Last updated: 03 July 09

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