Having the courage to live with what has happened

“It is because we have seen so many examples of stored hurt and difficulties that arise when adopted people don’t have contact, that we take such a positive approach to contact,” says Julia, who is Head of Services North at After Adoption, an organisation that offers support to adoptive families and their children, adopted adults, birth parents and other relatives, as well as professionals.

Over the years, the key issues have remained the same but, Julia points out, it’s essential to apply the lessons learnt from working with past generations. The very positive thing about contact is that it keeps history real and enables the growing child to touch base with his or her heritage.

Contact must always be in the interests of the child, and there are specific circumstances (for example, where a parent or relative has been seriously abusive) where contact will not be appropriate. In most other cases, it is worth pursuing, even where the child may seem indifferent or distressed. And, although some children with a limited memory of their birth family may breeze through contact, others may find contact quite distressing, but this does not necessarily mean it should be stopped: it could be a natural reaction to being in touch with a significant adult.

It is also a natural reaction for adopters to want to enfold their new children into their families – to keep them safe and protect them from painful situations. It is equally natural for them to feel ambivalent, and possibly angry, towards birth parents, who have been unable, or have failed, to parent their children. However, for the sake of the child, adopters need to look at the long-term benefits of maintaining contact. “It’s about having the courage to live with what has happened – the child has a past with another family.”

“Previously,” Julia remembers, “an awful lot of adopted children were told that their families had died in car crashes. That might have left a clean field, but it was dishonest. Children have a strong sense of justice and if we block out the past, it’s denying them their true experiences.”

She once asked a child whether he missed his mother, and he replied: “Yes, and it’s a good feeling!” “So,” she adds, “even if the past has been damaging, that needs to be recognised, and contact with birth parents can give the child the opportunity to tell them how they feel about things.”

Contact is also about helping and supporting growing young people to feel comfortable with who they are and to make sense of what has happened. “I remember a young girl who said she wanted to trace her birth mother,” says Julia. “The reason she gave was that ‘it’s not about who she is but who I am.’ And I feel strongly that the earlier contact is allowed to happen, the better. If contact exists, and even if the child is saying, ‘Oh do I really have to write this letter or see this person’, then at least there’s the opportunity for dialogue. It’s not something that remains in the private imaginings of the child.”

Julia believes it is much better if adopters can arrange for direct contact to take place within a loving and supportive atmosphere, rather than it being a duty handled by professionals. However, the role of an outside, impartial person – such as a counsellor from After Adoption – can be very valuable in making contact a beneficial experience for all parties, and most importantly, for the child. Direct contact is not usually easy – whether for the child, the adoptive parents and other children in the family, and least of all for the birth parents themselves – as so many mixed emotions are at play. However, there are some things that can be tried to create a smoother path, and the benefits, though not always immediate, may be enduring.

Letter writing can be just as emotionally fraught as face-to-face visits, because hurtful or distressing things can be expressed without the opportunity for discussion or resolution. After Adoption offers birth parents support in writing appropriate letters. “Letter writing is a dying art, so why should birth parents be expected to be gifted in this skill! How do you maintain some kind of delayed monologue with a child you haven’t seen for years?” Julia asks.

“As adopters, you need to consider your right to open letters, to be clear why you have done this and to return the letter in a positive way, if you think it’s not appropriate for the child to read the contents,” she says. “It’s a mistake to imagine any of this is easy. But who said adoption was easy!”

Some issues around contact will always be complex, and adopters will have to find what works best for their own family.

“Mobiles and the internet are hot potatoes – so they’re not going to be any easier in adoption situations!” she notes. “But I think with all these things, you have to build up trust and honesty so the child or young person understands why they cannot give out their details in certain situations.”

Julia concludes, “In all these issues around contact, you need to put in preparation and planning – examine the ‘what-ifs’ – and then be prepared to move forward with courage.”

What kind of contact?

• One-off meeting: Once the link with a child has been agreed, you will probably have a ‘one-off’ meeting with their birth parents, and possibly other relatives. Make the most of this, however hard. The more you know about your child’s past, and understand about the personality and lives of their birth relatives, the better you will be prepared for your child’s questions and any future communication. Your child may also feel reassured that you have met.
• Letterbox contact: Also called indirect or post-box contact. This is the most common form of contact – exchange of news, letters, photographs, videos, cards or gift vouchers, at specified dates or occasionally, either sent on or kept till the child is older. It’s usually arranged through the child’s agency, and anonymously, unless you agree otherwise. As a prospective family, it’s important you should be clear what kind of letter your correspondent is expecting and what you can reasonably expect back.
• Direct contact: Also known as faceto- face contact. This is the form of contact that many prospective families initially seem to shy away from, feeling it will be too confusing and too demanding emotionally. However, social workers are often there to facilitate the meetings, which usually take place in a neutral venue, and although children can sometimes find them upsetting, they also provide them with valuable understanding and a sense of continuity.

After Adoption, 12-14 Chapel Street Manchester M3 7NH. Helpline: 0800 0568 578

Originally published in the Be My Parent newspaper in March 2005.

This article is published with the kind permission of the people involved. You may download it for your own reference but if you wish to use it for any other purpose, please contact Be My Parent for authorisation: Be My Parent, BAAF, Saffron House, 6-10 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS. Telephone: 020 7421 2666/5/4.

Last updated: 10 September 07

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