Living with children with attachment issues

Tim, on the extreme emotions and mood swings he experienced:

One of the characteristics of adopted children with attachment issues is their ability to pass on their emotions to others around them and to create an environment in which they feel comfortable, even though it is very distressing for those closest to them. The worst of the situation is the ability of such children to be able to turn your emotions on and off very quickly,
and this was particularly true before we understood the background and ‘logic’ of this disorder.

Until our daughter’s attachment issues began to affect the family, I was always regarded as laidback and very slow to anger. Here is an example of what it can do. I was watching a comedy programme at the time and, as far as I was concerned, was in a reasonable state of mind, laughing with the programme. I remember vividly the emotion of extreme rage to which I succumbed when my daughter, who had supposedly been sent to bed, baited me in some way from upstairs. I had left my chair and reached the top of the stairs before I had even realised it. Fortunately, this is where it stopped, although the feeling of extreme anger took a long time to subside. I still cannot remember how I got to the top of the stairs.

Michelle, on her relief at understanding the reasons for her daughter’s behaviour:

As I became informed and educated about our child’s condition, the overwhelming guilt that I had felt was dissipated. Before, the only explanation I could see for our child’s bizarre behaviour and aggression was our failure as parents. We could not have been giving her what she needed. When I understood that this was not the case and it wasn’t my fault that she was the way she was, the burden was lifted and I was able to talk frankly and honestly about our situation.

It became clear that she didn’t have these problems because she was adopted, but because she was damaged before coming into care. The passion I felt about what our child had been through, her origins, and its effect on her and on us as a family gave me the confidence to overcome my natural shyness and reticence, to talk to others in small groups, discussion groups, and even, on occasion, to tell my story to an audience.

Chris and Barbara, on successfully reparenting their child – and thinking of adopting again!

It’s now six years since we adopted Matt and we seem to be settling down. I’ve gone grey. Well, metaphorically anyway, and my ulcer seems to have gone on holiday. My wife complains of a bad neck and headaches but I think she’s just getting old!

When he first came to live with us, we were terrorised by Matt. We had no idea what to do with an out of control four-year-old who did not want to be loved but wanted to be in charge. We did not know what to do when the night terrors started, the sweat-soaked sheets and the uncontrollable grief. We were unable to cope. What had previously been a calm stable marriage started to fall apart. Was the only way to survive to send him back?

After a night on the Internet we found some help. We found a music therapist. She showed us some strategies to control him. She helped us understand what was happening and how to deal with it. She helped him understand the difference between sadness and grief. Slowly the clouds were lifting. I was repairing less furniture and fewer windows. We felt like masters in our house again. After a while Matt made a best friend. The odd friend from school asked him over for tea (it was usually the ‘odd’ ones). The bites and left hooks were becoming less regular. He was controlling his temper. His teacher was pleased with his progress. One good thing was that he never took his behaviour to school. In the classroom he was an angel. I could see the teachers thinking, “He’s such a nice boy; it must be the parents.” I always thought this strange until I realised it was another form of control.

The world looks a better place now. Matt has relaxed to such an extent that he is coasting at school and taking it easy, so we need to work on that. He is still defiant and most requests are met with at least three ‘nos’ but whose 10 going on 16-year-old birth child is any different? You can tell him off now and the feelings of blame cease to trigger temper tantrums. He can cope with day-to-day rejection from family and friends. You know: the last one to be selected for a team, failing to get on the school council, not getting invites to every party, and sharing friends. And he holds himself together (just). He notices our moods (occasionally) rather than him being the centre and focus all the time. He is still fragile, but he has definitely found a sense of self, who he is. He is becoming quite arty and loves music. He spends hours combing his shoulder-length hair into the right style. But mostly, I think he is beginning to like himself.

So here we are, would you believe, thinking of adopting another child! “Has he unhinged me or am I some kind of masochist?”, I ask myself. Although I will deny I ever said this, I think I sort of enjoyed the last few years. It has been a challenge and I have learned a lot. I think I am more tolerant and cope with stress better than I did before. Do I think it is a good idea to adopt another? Ask me again in another six years, assuming I have not been sectioned by then.

Taken from 'Loving and living with traumatised children' by Megan Hirst.

Have you seen our answers to common questions such as 'Is adopting or fostering different to parenting a birth child'?

Originally published in the Be My Parent newspaper in May 2006.

This article is published with the kind permission of the people involved. You may download it for your own reference but if you wish to use it for any other purpose, please contact Be My Parent for authorisation: Be My Parent, BAAF, Saffron House, 6-10 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS. Telephone: 020 7421 2666/5/4.

Last updated: 12 September 08

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