Opening up to adoption

Accident, fate, destiny, providence, luck or even lack of luck… just some words you grab hold of to try and describe why there’s a hole in your life just waiting to be filled by children. After years of fertility treatment, that hole was partly filled with our birth child, Emily. Astonishingly, our three-year-old daughter was toddling down the same path, grappling with the same gaping hole of ‘sibling’. Her vocabulary was one of “not fair”, “wrong”, “why?”, “but I just want a brother or sister”.

We buried the idea of further treatment and the three of us started walking down the long and bumpy road of adoption. Adoption was never a ‘second best’ alternative; it was just a different route. We felt we had to explore all the avenues.

Our social worker was fantastic. She was friendly, open, realistic and, above all, honest. We had countless visits; we read books, watched videos and went on training days. We discussed all eventualities and ‘what ifs’. We got angry at times, cried at others, and decided to talk openly to friends and family. Our family were extremely happy and excited about the idea of an adopted grandchild, nephew or niece. Friends were equally excited and interested. Through us being open, a close friend told us about his adoption, and other friends told us they were also applying for adoption through our agency. By talking, we instantly gained an enormous support group.

The process took longer than we anticipated; over a year to get approved, and another year to go to Court to be the legal family we craved. The waiting was hard for Emily, as she couldn’t understand bureaucracy. Emily fervently believed that our social worker carried around children in her car boot, and would automatically pull one out when she came to visit. Emily’s ‘highs’ would become ‘lows’, with agonising waits in-between.

Emily is now eight, and Kathy, our adopted child who was then 8 months, is nearly five. Kathy has completed our family. The matching process was so effective that when we openly discuss Kathy’s adoption, people can’t believe that she is anything but a birth sibling to Emily: they look exactly like each other.

Kathy is the child that was meant for us. She has strong opinions, self-reliance and an independent streak. She knows what she wants from life and certainly knows what she doesn’t. Kathy is also adorable, gorgeous and funny. She is a much-loved grandchild, the best sister a girl could have, a great playmate to her nephews and nieces and, most of all, a cherished daughter.

If you are thinking about adoption, do yourself a favour and talk about it openly! The person sitting next to you at work, your family and close friends – they will probably have some experience of adoption, or know people who do. Our experience greatly helped a couple of friends with their adoption process, and I am pleased to say that they were approved two weeks ago – congratulations!

Recently, I was approached by a staff member at Kathy’s nursery, telling me how much her sister was grieving over failed infertility: she was thinking about adoption, and could I chat to her? By opening up about adoption, we can help others we might not even have met yet, as well as ourselves.

Nicky

For support from other adopters why not contact Adoption UK or see the Be My Parent Useful resources?

Originally published in the Be My Parent newspaper in November 2006.

This article is published with the kind permission of the people involved. You may download it for your own reference but if you wish to use it for any other purpose, please contact Be My Parent for authorisation: Be My Parent, BAAF, Saffron House, 6-10 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS. Telephone: 020 7421 2666/5/4.

Last updated: 16 May 08

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