Who am I?
Many adoptive and foster children will, at some point in their lives, ask questions about their identity, and wonder where they came from. So why can looking back sometimes help them move forwards? And how can you, their new family, help?
You could start by thinking about ‘identity’ – what does it even mean? This one word can cover so much, but essentially it is however you define yourself: male, female, black, white. It can be whether you like tea or coffee, maths or English. It is what sets you apart from some people, and groups you together with others. It is what is given to you at birth but also what you continue to develop throughout your life through the friendships you form, the experiences that mark you.
Part of growing up is the need to start defining yourself and ‘fitting in’. Although this is more or less true of all children, and reaches a peak in adolescence, it is especially relevant for those who are adopted or permanently fostered.
Looked after children have often moved from one foster family to another. These many moves may involve a change of school, a loss of a music group or swimming club. Attachments are made and then lost; family habits and routines put in place and then broken. Adoptive or foster children may be confused about their personal and social identities, as they have never had the chance to really settle and feel safe, to start identifying with family, friends and peers.
Even if a child joins their new family very young, with minimal moves, they may later question their identity. They may wonder how much of their personality is down to genetics and how much their environment. Or whether they would be any different if they had stayed with their birth family. ‘Would I still be good at sport?’ ‘Where do I get my bossy streak from?’
This ‘building up’ of identity is a very human quality – something Kate Cairns has also spoken about. For the adoptive or foster child, gaps in their history can bring huge heartache and make them unsure as to who they are. It is a little like reading a book from the middle. The story doesn’t make sense.
There are many ways that you can help your adoptive or foster child understand their identity, and some are looked at in greater depth throughout this issue. But a person’s identity is made up of so much. Let’s think about first names. Does wanting to change the name of the child you’ve adopted mean that you are trying to ‘claim’ them and deny their past? And what about how your child speaks. If they drop certain letters, if they speak with an accent that is different to your own – should you embrace or challenge this?
However your child needs help with their identity, try not to feel worried or insecure. Supporting them to think and talk about their birth family and past will usually strengthen your relationship. Most will understand that one family is offering a permanent, secure home, while the other is not: one is the past and the other, both the present and future.
Finding the missing pieces of a child’s story can move you all on to the next chapter. Annie, an adoptive person, seems to agree: “When looking over your life, some frame of reference is essential.”
Sophie Offord, Deputy Editor, Be My Parent
Originally published in the Be My Parent newspaper in March 2009.
This article is published with the kind permission of the people involved. You may download it for your own reference but if you wish to use it for any other purpose, please contact Be My Parent for authorisation: Be My Parent, BAAF, Saffron House, 6-10 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS. Telephone: 020 7421 2666/5/4.
Last updated: 30 April 10
